Preemie Awareness Month-Because I love my preemie

This is preemie awareness month for the March of Dimes.  Two years ago I was not even aware that there was a Prematurity Awareness month.  I was not even aware that prematurity could happen to anyone.  For the past year and a half the March of Dimes is one of my favorite organizations because of their work and what it did to save my baby.  All of the parenting mags advertise November on their covers as Prematurity Awareness month and then have a tiny paragraph- not even a column, in which they tell people to get more info from the March of Dimes.  While they are a great source about prematurity, I think it’s about time that some of the parenting magazines start doing stories from real parents of preemies and micro-preemies, telling their stories because it could be anyones story. 

I did a post early based on a verse found in Phillipians 4 11:12, I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.  This verse means so much to me, because it connects to my parenting over the past year.  It is a unique opportunity to parent a preemie.  If you would have asked me about that fifteen months ago, I might not have said unique.  I was still at my frustrated, scared, angry, self pity stage of life.  My first child was so easy.  I had gestational diabetes and he was a huge baby and had jaundice, but he was pleasant and easy to care for and life was good.  The second pregnancy I tried very hard to eat well and exercise, but I was sick for the first 3 months non-stop.  So when I got to the second trimester and things were better I was so excited for this baby.  Long story short (see other posts) I had my second child at 32 weeks.  Don’t get me wrong, our preemie was not a micro-preemie and was a preemie because of my condition not something wrong with the baby, so it was not as difficult as many of the preemies that are born each day, but it was still very scary and one of the most influential step back and assess your life time periods in my life. 

The first weeks were hard.  I was home the baby was not.  The baby was over an hour away hooked up to machines and tubes and scary things, that I tried not to think about.  Then life got harder, we could bring her home.  Nothing prepares you to care for a tiny tiny baby.  Every breath, every movement, every cry you panic.  Even in our case as it was our second child.  You learn there are clothes small enough for these little miracles and go out and buy some.  You sanitize everything and worry about taking the baby to visit the peditrician.  Everything is scrutinized, the babies eyes, weight, attention span, sleeping schedule, food intake.  My husband and I were walking on eggshells day and night for months, because she was smaller it took longer for her to sleep through the night, to be in her crib.  There were nights and days when I wanted to run away or at least go on a vacation by myself.  My husband and I snapped at each other.  Then things started to get better slowly.  I didn’t hold to the milestones I did with my first child and I still don’t because preemies develop on their own time and they do catch up.  But trying to follow all the timelines for a non-preemie baby was too much and making me worry.  So at about 7 months I thought I am so happy for this child.  I am happy for this experience.  I am happy for all of our health in this house, let me just enjoy each day as it comes and be thankful for that blessing.  And so I did.  I don’t get into discussions with other moms of whose baby is doing what when.  My child is so happy and does her own thing.  I wish I would have been this carefree with the first!!  But that is what happens with a preemie, you learn to live without expectations and just enjoy the moments, because the early birth was the first start of a long road of surprises and happiness.

Phillipians 4: 11-12

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. 

If you would have asked me what contentment was five years ago I would have given you a blank stare.  All my life I’ve been hearing you are never content, why can’t you be content?  For a small child who has no idea what that means, it really laid the ground work for me trying to be content as I got older and feeling set up for failure since I was never content for too long.  But what kid is? 

Less than ten years ago my life was extremely different.  I was climbing the corporate ladder, working non-stop and enjoying the gifts that come with hard work and good pay.  My husband and I had a very comfortable life and yet there was always something missing.  I was always looking for the next thing- a new career, volunteering, crafts, languages, travel.  I could have easily been content and yet I still was not content.  Fast forward several years we were back in America and were starting a family.  I would be leaving my career in less than two years and taking the drastically different mommy path.  Now we did not have as many things and luxuries and it was hard to keep up with friends and not feel resentful, but I was at home with my child and it was nice.  Shortly after my first born was baptised I started going back to church and really enjoyed watching my faith grow.  Over the course of several years I started to get more involved- helping, volunteering and now teaching children in Sunday Church School.  God has shown me something I never expected to see in my life.  My faith is what leads me, it is what keeps me content.  I know life is about trials and good times mixed together and I can handle that because I am content in my faith and the love God has for me.  He has blessed me and I now know contentment was never about having something to do, or something to own or a job title, it was always there in my heart and my spirit.  It was living my life by faith and knowing I could be content in any situation because of the love of God.

Momma is sick

So yesterday I started again with a sore throat.  I just don’t like sore throats.  You feel ok otherwise but you have an awful feeling in your throat and it kind of sticks out in your mind.  So I tried to relax after Sunday School, but it was football day so I had to go to the grocery store and make dinner.  Finally then when one of my kids was in bed, I finished a good book called Breaking the Worry Habit forever by Elizabeth George and took some medicine and fell asleep after the Amazing Race.  Then after what seemed like 10 minutes my husband woke me and asked if I wanted to move upstairs to be move comfortable, so I did.  All night I kept waking up and coughing and drinking some tea and then this morning because of the stupid day light savings my youngest was up at the crack of dawn, so I had to get out of bed too.  Then my oldest woke up really early which never happens.  So after reading my devotions I slowly ate something (a piece of brownie end) and started my days chores, sluggishly.  I have a financial club meeting tonight and I was kind of frustrated because some members just don’t come for silly reasons and I would love to relax tonight, but I feel a need to be there, so I’ll go.  I wanted to keep my child home from school, but then I figured it wasn’t his fault I was feeling ill and he loves school so we are going there too.  What I wish is that moms could have a sick day.  When dad is sick, he gets to relax all day and stay home, when I am sick I am still doing what I do every day and I know all my mom friends are also.  It seems so odd to long for pre-child days or days when you were little and could stay in bed all day, watch tv, read, sleep, eat chicken soup and people took care of you.  I am nostalgic for those days.  Now I am the care giver when my kids/husband are sick.  But I still wish there was such a thing as a mommy’s sick day!!  The things we moms do, we really are super heros!

Personal Choices about Divorce

When I was growing up as a coping method to get past my parents fighting and then my parents abandoining me I threw myself into books.  I read everything and anything.  I used to go to the library and check out a huge stack each week.  Books were my escape where I could go and be someone else, where I could have the good life like other kids my age with a real family and a real room and a real house and a real picket fence.  Up until 5th grade I was a straight A student.  I loved science.  Then in 5th grade my parents made the divorce final and my grades tanked.  I think it was the stress and stigma of having divorced parents and the need to fit in with the cool kids and the fact that in 5th grade and onward girls are not encouraged in science class as much as their male peers.  Whatever the case, I was not a straight A student, but I liked school and I loved reading.  I have always been type A as far back as I can remember.  All my toys were organized and clean and I always kept things in order and did things on time.  I was an overachiever and somedays I still have that in me, except now I try to fit enough things in a day that would take 3 days to do- especially with keeping my house clean.  I find that most of my friends who have divorced parents are the same way and for the record, I didn’t have one close friend with divorced parents until I was out of college and in my career.

When I was younger I liked to party in college and in my 20’s like other people.  I would go out for fun and drink.  I always cut myself off, I would never let that be a solution to my problems like my parents.  When I became a parent I stopped drinking.  I’ll have the occasional drink at a function or out with friends, but for the most part I don’t.  I don’t ever want my kids to have to smell a drunk parent or have to put up with a hung over parent.  My husband’s parents also drink too much and he has pretty much the same philosophy for not drinking now that we have kids. 

When I lived abroad it was so nice.  I was finally free of making sure everyone in my family was happy and functioning.  But then I came back.  I came back because I missed my grandparents and some other reasons, but after awhile I realized I needed to be close to my family.  My whole life I thought I would be better off away and then I realized I am happiest when with my family.  They are very supportive in their own disfunctional way.  My dad as I mentioned doesn’t drink.  He got his life together was married a few more times and had one other child, my brother.  My brother just had his own first child and lives with my dad and his mom and they are all happy.  My brother made some poor choices a few years back, and we worried he was on dad’s path, but he seems to be changing with the birth of his child, so that is a good thing.  My mom remarried and I see her from time to time.  We are not close and sometimes I wish we were closer, but my mom is a selfish person still and puts herself and her husband first.  My mom still drinks. My grandparents are still an important part of my life and I talk to my grandmother all the time.  One time I judged a friend for getting divorced and I felt awful for doing it.  I apologized, but I know I hurt her.  She didn’t have kids at the time, but I still think divorce hurts.  That taught me how to be a better friend and how to not judge people.  All through my life my faith has been growing and I also think that is the biggest part of being where I am today, despite my rocky beginning.

Haunted Last thoughts

So yesterday I was caught up in a discussion in the coffee shop about haunted things.  People are so into these gory places where it is set up to scare them and then they can go back and tell everyone how they weren’t in the least bit scared.  The coffee shop girl was talking about wanting to go to one.  I told her I never went to places like that.  First I think they are negative, I don’t think people need that in their lives. Second I just don’t like scary stuff.  I told her I was more into historical places that had some reason history and ghost sitings tied to it, like Boston, Philly, Baltimore, etc.  Her and I were then talking about sceptiscism.  I told her I go there thinking it could be possible to see something, but deep down I don’t expect it.  I totally believe it could be possible and people have experiences, I just don’t feel like I am one of those people who are susceptable to it.  I think most of the excitement for me is learning the history, that’s why I watch Ghost Hunters.  I like to see where they are going and to see the history of it all.

Several years ago my two best friends and I started going to haunted places and ghost tours and I love it because there is a bond between my friends and I and we get to go out, which happens so rarely since we all have kids.  We have plans to go to several different places we’ve heard about and try to do one a year.  I didn’t have an experience at the last place we stayed at, but nothing at the place we toured last year.  Although I learned some new revolutionary war info I was not aware of before which was nice. 

 

Ecclesiastes 5:3

Too much activity gives you restless dreams; too many words make you a fool.”
Ecclesiastes 5:3

I subscribe to several daily scripture emails or devotions and I read them after my other devotions each morning.  I like to start the day off in a nice peaceful way.  This verse is one of the ones that I got last week.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am still surprised how things written thousands of years ago still can be so true today.  It amazes me that throughout time people have experienced the same things and have turned to scripture for wisdom and guidance. 

For several months I have been having problems sleeping.  I lie in bed at night and can’t sleep.  Things to do run through my mind, I try to remember if I’ve prayed for everyone I wanted to.  I think of all I have to do the next day, I worry about my kids, my husband, my family, my friends, the world, the economy, my bills, my debt- you name it, it crosses my mind.  Then when I go to sleep I grind my teeth, so I’ve started to wear my night guard again.  I need to have one of my teeth rebuilt again, since I’ve ground it down.  Doesn’t sound like a nice peaceful Christian who trusts God all the time does it? I know I need to be still, but sometimes that doesn’t happen.  I know I need to not worry, but sometimes that’s hard to do also.  Lately I’ve been praying and repeating, be still, be still or reading a book after my bedtime devotions to get my mind to settle down.  I know I am one person and one person can only do so much and that there is no need to try to be perfect.  But old ways creep in at night and try to steal your peace.

I also like the second part too many words make you a fool.  I’ve been trying to tame my tongue, so I don’t say inappropriate things or gossip or judge.  I have a tendancy to talk too much and to think to much and to try to do too much and that’s all summed up in Ecclesiates 5:3.  I think I try too hard to make people laugh or feel comfortable and sometimes I end up seeming foolish. 

The best part of a verse is when it rings so true, that you can really think about it and use it to change your ways.  I also love how God brings the verses to your attention right when you need them.

Child of Divorce and your own children

Like all people whose parents are divorced, I am afraid of rejection.  For the longest time I didn’t want to marry my husband because I figured it would be easier to handle if he rejected me and we weren’t married.  I sometimes think am I a good wife, am I annoying, is it good that we don’t argue all that much?  I am scared because in addition to my husband he is my best friend and it’s hard to lose a best friend.  Then you have your own children and your parents divorce starts to come into your mind.  My marriage is very different from that of my parents, but I find it incredibly hard to believe parents can just live their lives and not have their children be the center of their lives.  My kids love stability and the feeling of comfort and protection in their own home.  I used to lay awake at night hoping my father would come home when I was a child and that really bothered me.  My parents selfish-ness was a good part based on their love of drinking.  That’s another thing I can’t fathom, getting drunk night after night and not bothering to be at home with my kids.  There are so many choices they made when I was young, that really affected me and I know they never thought about the long term consequences.  Sometimes I go overboard in my family atmosphere at home- baking, crafting, cleaning, day trips, extra gifts just so I can feel better about my parenting.  I know in my heart and soul I am not like my parents but a nagging voice in the back of my head tries to make me think otherwise.  I also became spoiled as a result of my parents feeling bad about not being there and my family feeling bad that my parents were so bad at parenting.  That’s something I didn’t realize I was until I moved away from home and had to do my own laundry at 23.  So my kids are not getting things just for the sake of getting things.  I mean they have lots of nice things, but I am teaching them that love is not reflected in gifts. 

There was a time in my life for several months when I was so mad at my father they I didn’t talk to him.  Then my dad cleaned up his act and stopped drinking.  He became a changed person and I am so happy for our relationship and for his relationship with my kids. He is one of the only people I know who really admits appreciating the small things and his family.  I realized you have to forgive.  We are meant to forgive and our trials only make us stronger in faith.  I have forgiven my mother too.  She still puts her husband before me and I’m still not sure how I feel about him, but I spend time with them and my kids, because they are part of my life.  I try to be a good person even when I can smell the drink on my moms breath.  Life is made of many complicated layers and in my mothers case, she had a sad childhood and I don’t think she ever really healed from that. To this day if I need something or my kids need something I call my grandparents or my aunt, because I still can’t envision my parents as people to rely on, so there are some things that come out of divorce that really never leave your mind.

Haunted Thoughts 3

So I’ve written about my experiences and my interest in haunted things, but I don’t know that I truely believe it.  I mean I go to church and it’s hard for me to fathom energy staying behind.  I think people have been fascinated by hauntings and ghosts for so long, because there is a longing when a loved one is gone and you may feel if there is still a connection they are still close by.  I know there are some unexplained things out there, but I don’t really know what I think about it.  I think it’s interesting, but I like the history side of it.  I love old things and history.  I don’t think it’s really for me to assess.  To each his own.  I was definately uncomfortable with the experiences I had but they were not as intense as some experiences people have.  My grandparents both talk about seeing or feeling the presence of loved ones past, as does my father.  My one best friend always has priests bless her homes when she moves, because she grew up in an old house and feels the need.  I’m just a logical person and and am intriugued by the unexplained.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  The past month has been one of these examples of the power of prayer.  I should say longer than a month.  I’ve been stuck in a worrying rut.  Creating worries, creating anxiety.  I’ve been praying for some more things to do or be involved in to occupy my time, because I worry when I am bored.  My children are getting older so I have some extra time, so why not do something with it? So I was blessed with becoming a Sunday School teacher and I am also now in a Women’s Group and also helping with our baptism faith project.  Finally some extra things to do and to feel good about doing.  I feel like I have a purpose.  Not that being a mom is not a purpose, but I would do anything for my kids, this gives me something else to work towards and to help.  Now I look at my daily to do list and it’s very long, but I know I can do all things that God intends for me to do each day.  He gives me the strength.  I try to start each day with some devotions and end each day with devotions so I know where my focus is supposed to be.  I feel happy and more helpful all ready.  When I start to feel a little down or a little overwhelmed I remember Philippians 4:13.

Divorce Characteristics

By now you know my parents divorced when I was ten after at least a rocky ten years and who know how many more before that.  As much as I thought it didn’t effect me it did.  I thought because I was used to being with my grandparents that it never bothered me.  My life was better than, but it didn’t start to haunt me in my teen years and then again when I had my children. 

Back in my small town back in the day, there were not very many kids with divorced parents.  So a year after my parents divorced the school started this club for kids of divorce.  Mind you there was me and like one other girl whose parents were actually divorced.  The other girl never knew her father and another girl had a father who was killed before she was born.  They gave us this tacky name Banana Splits and actually pulled us from class for this.  As far as I remember we were supposed to talk about divorce and our home lives, but I don’t think I did.  I think we made a lot of crafts.  It was so weird to not only have divorced parents, but then to be part of this random club, so that when I went back to class all my friends would ask were I was. 

Sometime after the divorce or maybe before I developed my people pleasing attribute.  I help people.  I sometimes over-help.  I just want to make people happy and make everyone get along. I worry that friends are mad at me for no appharent reason.  I worry that decades old friendships will end over something silly.  I have a huge fear of rejection whether in person or on the phone (when I used to call people for work).  I get nervous when couples get mad at each other and I hate verbal fighting and yelling.  I am the calm one in my family that everyone calls when their worlds are upside down.  I am the one who tries to smooth things over or fix things, even when I know it’s beyond me.  My husband and I never have screaming matches like I grew up with, but I am still always on edge making sure that it doesn’t seem like he’ll surprise me with a divorce. 

I was so happy when my kids were born, because kids can’t divorce you.  Or reject you.  It sounds odd, but when your history is formed at a young age  divorce has an impact on your whole life. 

One day my MIL asked me how I felt being from a broken home.  I was appalled by her question because to me that meant violence and there was never violence towards me.  I like to help and make people feel better and just try to live now and not in the past.  It just hurts to see people mention divorce or get a divorce because even as an adult you still have to split your time and holidays with your parents.  I still try to make the holidays and the gifts and the food perfect so everyone is happy.  It’s exhausting trying to be the centering force in the whole family. 

Still I am happy with my life and who I have become.  Divorce does effect your personality.