Just for the record I know you are not supposed to hang all your hopes and dreams on your children, but like some parents I am guilty of doing this.  My oldest has been swimming since six months old.  I should stop there, because I am very blessed that we have a place to swim and that we have extra money to provide that for our children, but my negatives are brewing.  Last night was the last class for this session and this is the first time that my child has not excelled at all of the objects for the class.  Mainly there is an attention paying issue at hand, and that bothers me. So I was devasted.  My husband got mad at me for not being super duper supportive and for being disappointed.  I didn’t tell my child I was disappointed, just myself and my husband.  I had dreams of swim teams and competitions.  I know how it is to be the unathletic kid in school, to be the last picked for gym class and playground games.  I just didn’t fathom in my mind that my child would be average, I know it sounds so bad, but don’t most parents dream of their kids excelling and doing wonderfully at everything they try? Add to this that my husband doesn’t understand.  He never went to public school.  He had oppurtunities.  I want to provide my kids with options my parents never knew existed.  I also know that kids need to be good at sports and school to get scholarships.  I really thought my kids would got to private school.  But then I left the work force and have massive debt.  So already I’ve failed my children.  I feel like they don’t get anything from being with my all day long. So now I am second guessing my choices- should I work out of the home,  am I teaching and showing them enough, how will I ever get out of debt, why can’t I be a better friend and a better person and do more to help people? How can I when I can’t even manage my own life?  I feel so sad.  Because all the plans and ideas I had about giving everything to my kids has been messed up by debt.  Then my thoughts about scholarships are messed up because my kids probably won’t be qualifying.  I know it sounds so stupid.  I am happy they are healthy and happy, but I know what I could have done if my parents would have cared enough and I do care enough and it seems out of reach now.  It’s hard to be positive when other people have everything going for them and you don’t.  I just don’t want to be in debt anyone.


About this entry