NICU memories

When my second child was born pre-maturely Istopped watching a baby story on tv, I stopped watching all those shows about not knowing you were pregnant, I stopped reading or watching anything with babies.  When we came home and the baby stayed in the NICU my husband always wanted to go there and see her, I wanted to stay home and wish for the day she would come home. 

I think I wanted to block out the memories of the NICU and how I felt at that time in my life.  I didn’t want to see the pictures of her with tubes everywhere.  I didn’t want to remember the scrubbing in each time we entered the NICU. 

Since I am a huge fan of the Duggars I struggled with whether or not I would watch about their newest baby Josie.  But I have been, but it is bringing back the memories of the beeping and the stats on the baby, and the feeding tubes,not being able to hold her.  Each time I watch part of me goes back to that time in my life.  I think Mrs Duggar has such resolve and strength, she is handling it so well and their preemie is so much earlier than my baby was.  It does break your heart to see a family in that situation because you know how hard it is. 

I think that’s what people do sometimes, they hide their bad feelings or sad feelings and just pack them away hoping they never come out.  It is easier now then it was when I first came home, but it still melts my heart and makes me feel uneasy when I see a NICU.  I can hear and smell and feel everything like it was yesterday.  The baby’s all lay the same way, in their isolettes, and they have the tubes, and cords everywhere.  It’s just a sad time and a tramautic time. 

I wish there was more awareness nationally of pre-maturity but like many things it’s one of those things you don’t think about until you are part of it.  But if effects so many people.

I wished for a friend or someone else who was going through what we were going through and there was no one.  My friends with babies or that were pregnant at the time, looked at me and wanted to help, but you could tell they were scared and hoping and thanking that it wasn’t them and their babies.  All understandable, but still such a lonley time for preemie parents. 

You can’t imagine the NICU and the tiny lives until you’ve been in one. 

But babies get stronger and bigger and better.  Life gets easier.  Mom finds more time to be herself again.  Families create traditions.  It is one of those places that will stick in your mind forever, because the feelings you experience are unlike anything else in your life.

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