Greener Grass

The grass is never greener on the other side, not even in Bermuda.  Life is life and it’s all on what you do and how you handle what you are given.  Everyone that seems to have a perfect life doesn’t, once you peel away the layers. 

I’m starting to realize that there are some people who know from day one what they want and who they want to be.  Maybe they want to be in the family business, or they want to be a police officer like their dad, or they know they want to be a physician and study hard and focus.  Or maybe they are good at something like hair and makeup or being with kids and that is their career path. 

That was never my story, that was never my luxury.  My luxury was surviving and getting to the next step. Taking care of myself and the people around me.  So true of many kids from a dysfunctional divorced family household.  So while some kids knew what they would do, I just knew I needed to look out for me.  Life was not simple being the only kid who lived with their grandparents.  Being one of the only kids with divorced parents, who drank a lot and were known in all the local watering holes.  Life was not easy knowing I had lots of toys and great clothes, but no esteem and no confidence so I would never be one of the in-crowd.  I didn’t like how people could make me feel bad for not having what others had, so my goal was to be defensive and to have tons of money.  That’s it.  My whole life was based on not getting too attached to feelings and to never feel inadequate financially.  I watched my parents and grandparents struggle and that was not for me.

So I went to college, never 100% applying myself.  Never really knowing what I should do for a job.  I married well, but my husband and I worked very hard to make a nice life for ourselves and never relied on my in-laws for anything financially.  So at one point I was where I wanted to be-independent in another country, with a great job an awesome spouse and money to boot.  Still that’s not where my heart was.  I moved back to be near my grandparents, who have given me so much in life.  Then we were blessed with beautiful awesome children and I got to stay home and raise them.  I get to love them and read to them and encourage them and all the things I never had. 

So when I think about how I always thought money and independence were the way to go and I saw people who I thought had it all, I was so wrong.  I am most proud of my family- my husband and children are the best and I love just being with them.  I am proud that I went to college, got nearly finished with my Masters, embraced the internet, became a Sunday School teacher, have had the same best friends for almost 2 decades, know about stocks & belong to a great investment club, was raised by my grandparents with values and love and faith, forgave my parents, lived abroad, have an incredible faith & learned how to cook and be self sufficient domestically.  Money does not buy esteem or happiness, or self worth.  People who look down on others or who judge others are not happy, and are probably lacking something within themselves.

This is good, because it’s still early in April and this is progress for me on this months contentment focus.  I’m still looking for the dream job of being a reader!!  But who knows, different experiences offer different paths and as much of a planner as I am, who knows where I’ll be in 5 years or what I’ll be doing, I never thought I’d be so happy with being a mom 10 years ago and today I love it. I am just thankful for all of this life so far.

Everyone chases after happiness, not noticing that happiness is right at their heels.

Bertolt Brecht


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