I’m not the be all


I was reading a magazine today and someone was talking about how for a long time they felt that everything they did affected others, even when it was not about them or when it was something out of their control.  I little light went off in my head and I thought bingo, that’s me.  No wonder I feel like I have to be perfect, no wonder I think I need to make others happy, no wonder I feel guilty and wonder what I did or said wrong when I haven’t even seen someone all week.  She also mentioned how truely selfish she felt for feeling this way.  This is me, more times than none.  A friend will be short or not be herself and all I’ll think is , what did I do?  Should I not have made that comment about her?  should I not have spoken the truth?  was I supposed to do something and I forgot.  All me, me, me.  Never thinking, I should ask her what’s up. Maybe it’s her husband, or kids, or family, or job or finances, or health.  I mean how can someone be so self centered? I think sometimes it’s because it’s easy to have control when you make yourself the main issue.  I won’t lose my perfection appearance if I never get under the main level and to the problem at hand.  I don’t want to get too involved because then I’ll have to open myself and be vulenerable to hurt and dissappointment.  I sometimes think my friends or family will get mad at me or tired of me and just drop me.  I think that comes from divorced parents and the feeling of abandenment.  It was amazing to feel like I could lift this weight and really start to pay attention to my friend, family, people I know.  To not think me or how am I involved in this but to listen and just be there for others.  Perfection is fleeting.

Advertisements

About this entry