I’m a um um mom


Six months,  I’ve been trying to get to the nitty gritty of how to be content for six months.  I’m focusing on my life.  Today is my first post for June.  June is my month to focus on career.  But today, I feel kind of down.  I’m a recovering pessimist.  You know glass 1/2 empty and all that.  But I’ve been making this my year to see the good in all.  Be peppy, be more relaxed, find happiness in everything.  No granted I have a nice life.  A nice family, good friends, food, shelter and all that stuff.  I found out this week my mom won’t need chemo for her cancer, I’m going on vacation next week, I have faith, but today jealously and discontent have been bugging me.  I feel like I am settling.  I feel like by choosing to be at home with my kids, I’m denying myself some kind of respect from the world and some drive for myself.  I just recently cleaned all my frumpy clothes from my closet.  I don’t need to take the kids to school dressed like I’ve been cleaning an attic.  I feel like I want more, want to drive and push myself to have a career again.  But I love my kids and I love being home.  I hate when I feel like I need more- more money, more time, more stuff, more respect.  That’s why I am exploring being content all year.  I wish people would respect and admire the fact that I quit the rat race and I am raising my kids and being at home and loving every minute of it.  I don’t want to be in an office, I want to be exploring with my kids and learning and loving.  But there is that societal pressure to have it all and be all.  So I am hoping this funk will pass, and these feelings because I want to enjoy my summer and I want to know what I am doing and where I am is right.  I’ve been praying but nothing seems to be settling in my heart, so we’ll see.

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