Now and then lonely

I really was hoping when I was on vacation it would be a break, relaxing and refreshing and I would come back super charged. Instead I felt more tired.  I stayed up late, slept late, walked a lot, and chased after the kids.  I didn’t get very much alone time and when I had some time to think and meditate I was falling asleep.  I was praying for God to tell me I am where I should be.  I was praying for guidance and for strength to know how to carry on.  I wanted to be re-charged and wanted to write and read.  I don’t know why I was expecting a vacation with solitude, maybe because to me that would be vacation.  I was lonely.  I am lonely.  I wish I could have one of thos A-ha moments or feel like God wanted to share His plan with me or guide me.  I wonder why I do all I do, does it matter, does anyone care? I wonder if I made the rights decisions in life.  Should I have focused more on career?  Should I have a career?  Should I be back in grad school?  Am I a good mom?  Why can’t I be a writer?  Do I have any effect on my Sunday School class?  I don’t know.  Do many people struggle with this?  Do most moms struggle with this?  I am so tired of perfect moms with perfect lives and kids on tv, in blogs, in magazines, in my circle of friends.  I feel so out of place and caught.  I feel like there is more out there for me but I don’t know what my next steps should be.  I just wish God could answer me just a little, but I guess that’s not how things work.  It’s so frustrating and I am tired waiting.  Now is a very hard place to be for me.

National Blog posting month theme of the month is Now.

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