What to do?

I used to go to church every week, for at least the past five years or so.  As much as I could if I was not scheduled to work, but I usually was able to attend at least one service. I used to love going to the contemporary service on a Saturday night with my oldest child.  It was one of the only times during the week when I could think and ponder and listen. It was relaxing and it felt right.  Then my aunt starting coming.  She talks to everyone and insists on knowing everyone.  I’m sort of used to it by now, but then one time I was in prayer. My mom had just been diagnosed with cancer, a friends father was really sick and I just wanted to pray.  My aunt started nugdging me and showing me what song in the hymn was being sung.  This was during the prayers for healing when you can sing or you can just be quiet or you can pray.  How could she not see me praying?  Eyes closed, hands folded?  I was kind of shocked and hurt.  So I didn’t go for a few weeks, then we had some dinner invites and I didn’t go again.  I heard from some people she would be looking for me or talking about me or telling people my life.  I am from a small town.  Everyone knows everyone, my upbringing was rocky and I try to just keep to myself about person details and I don’t try to find out about other people’s person details.  But not her.  So it’s been about 1.5 months and I haven’t been to church.  I’ve been to Sunday School since I am a teacher, but not church.  I feel so lost, I feel out of place, I feel drifting, I feel like God isn’t hearing me, I don’t know what to do.  I am one of those people who like to worship alone.  I’ve been doing it for years since my husband does not go to church.  I got used to it.  So here I am, slowing sinking from the one thing that has kept me grounded and afloat and I honestly have no idea what to do. 

It’s more than the worship service.  I read my devotions and nothing clicks, I try to study the Word and nothing clicks.  I look around and I see friends doing better and having great lives and never going to church.  I feel frustrated because of struggling sometimes.  I feel hurt because I always get overlooked in all areas of my life.  I feel like I want to write or be creative, but nothing happens.  I just feel stuck.  I guess people sometimes go through ups and downs in faith and growth.  It’s just been getting to me, because I am having aches and pains about it now.  I miss church.  I miss my close relationship with God.  I miss being happy. I just don’t know how I can save my faith and get back to where I was.  I’ve been praying like crazy and have not come up with any ideas yet. 

This months blog topic at National Blog Posting Month is Saved http://www.nablopomo.com


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