digging out with one of those little spoon/straw things

I have my best ideas at night, as I am about to fall asleep and it drives me crazy because most times I write them down, sometimes if I’m tired or fighting a massive respitory infection I don’t and I hate to lose my thoughts.

 I wanted to write my weekly update on the diets- debt& regular diet. But then I just thought who can honestly write about diets this week? Yes I ate a bit too much oyster stuffing and green bean casserole and apple pie and like normal I cheated and raided candy at work. We also started the week by eating and making 2 boxes of Pillsbury Oatmeal Choc Chip cookies- wow, amazing. But then I did have a chat with some friends and I realized it could be one of medicines that is also packing on weight, because I mostly try to watch what I eat, so I’ll need to chat with the doc next time I go.  I also have NOT had Oreos in about 2 weeks and I don’t feel as sluggish, dizzy, dry mouthed, sleepy & shakey as I did when I was eating them by the package.

But just like you can’t talk diet the week of Thanksgiving, you can’t not talk debt on black friday weekend.  Let’s start with impulse spending.  I saw this great story about these great pickles, made in a small business in North Carolina online this week, so I ordered a jar.  Well once shipping was in my pickles were $20 a jar, I couldn’t turn back, since I had already committed to the purchase.  Yes they are very good, but there are not any pickles on the planet that are $20 good.  I felt so stupid.  Then I got a catalog with meats and candy gifts, so I decided to take them up on the credit they were offering me and got $200 worth of gifts, that I didn’t desperately need, but felt I should get.  Then buyers remorse set in a few days later.  After I told my husband and he thought I was stepping back and not ahead.  There is a reason they tell you to a. skip catalogs and b. think about stuff anywhere from 24 hours to 36 hours before buying. I was over $100 this week in groceries. I did a spur of the moment purchase gift for my hubby & son from Dick’s( when their gifts were already bought).  Then there was Kohls for some more gifts and stuff for us, just because the sales were so good.  Of course none of this was paid with cash, all credit. And lastly there was toys r us.  I bought a few great things thursday night online and they ship them seperately so I paid almost double for something on sale once shipping came too because it was ready to be shipped and everything else wasn’t.  I guess in a way it serves me right and showed me how stupid all these purchases were.  I was going to skip Black Friday sales, but mom gave me the circulars to look at and you could shop online and I just couldn’t resist. 

My emergency credit card that I needed to use is now a few dollars from being maxed and it’s only been 2 weeks.  We also went out with friends the night before thanksgiving and I had to borrow some cash, because I didn’t bring enough and then there are the phone calls to remind me I am late on some payments, because I play the juggle game. 

The other day because of holiday schedules both kids were in school at the same time and I really wanted to go to the craft store and I couldn’t because I didn’t have any money or credit.  I just felt so awful.  My husband makes really good money and I didn’t even have $15 to go to the craft store. 

There is a rush of buying, a feeling that I deserve it or need it for my family. Maybe I do it because I am bored, or because it makes me feel better.  Maybe I do it because friends do it and I am slightly jealous.  Maybe it’s to feel normal because most other people shop and spend.  I feel guilty.  I feel like I am losing my grip on this and going under. I want to forget it and I want to stop.  I want to wake up and be caught up and paid off, without ease, without having to cut back for very long.  But don’t we all?  Wouldn’t that be nice?

Yesterday I wanted to get a smoothie on the way to work, but I decided I didn’t need to spend $3 on a drink.  But then today I was like go get some breakfast to my husband, because I am sick and we had some extra cash.  Even though we had eggs and cereal at home.  I mean there’s a small bit of money and I feel like oh we should spend it now, in case we don’t get that chance again.  I know it’s not true, but I’m scared and I panick.

At this point in time I am just bothered by it all.  By my behavior, by my desire for the last two months to blog about my debt and still instead of going down even $100 dollars it’s gone up thousands.  I want to change, I really do but it’s so hard.  I don’t want people to think we are managing our money badly, I want to keep up the appearance.  I don’t want to disappoint anyone.  The way I can tell it’s an issue is that I won’t tell my grandmother.  I tell her everything but I know she’s be worried, disappointed and shocked because I used to be so good with money and bills.  But right now it feels like being in a cave and being told to dig myself out using only that spoon straw thing you get in a Slurpee and that is not a task I want to get into.  I am used to fixing things ASAP, so this is not even something I want to start on, but I need to.  I’m scraping the bottom and there is no extra $ to be found anymore. It’s change or nothing, there is not an alternative.

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