Responsible


I was vacuuming.  That’s when I came to the realization that I must be having a decade past a quarter life crisis.  I am tired, just plain old tired.  I’ve discovered that my whole life I have been the responsible one in the mix, the one watching out for everyone else.

I am constantly picking up after my family and pets, I am the one family members call for late night medicine or hospital runs, I’m the one my family calls to calm fights.  I’m the one who cleans and makes sure everyone has their medicine, doctors apps and sports schedules in line.

I’m the friend who is always the DD when we go out.  I’m the one who packs the extra snacks and has gum.  I’m the one with the extra beach towels and swimmies in my bag.

When I was younger I was the one who reminded my mom to sign notes and permission slips, I’m the one who put my clothes away, and cleaned up my toys.  My parents were in their own drunken selfish worlds, then I went to my grandparents house and I stayed in line and did everything perfectly because I just wanted someone to take care of me for once.

The boys I liked were all boys who immature.  Never anyone to fill the void that I was looking for of someone else to plan dates, or remember anniversaries- again it all fell back on me.

The only time I’ve been free is with my friends and even then I feel like I need to make sure everyone is having a good time and making smart choices-can you imagine what it felt like to be that person in my 20’s?

So here I am.  I am getting older.  I just wish I had a crazy wild time in my life. When I threw caution to the wind and didn’t care if my shirts weren’t lined up according to style in my closet. I envy people who can just go and do and have fun.  I wonder what it would have been like to be kind of edgy,even when I was kind of edgy, I wasn’t cool edgy I was straight edge!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the husband, kids & pets.  I just don’t enjoy being the keep it all in line all the time person. I wish my husband would share some of the chores.  I wish I could relax more when I go out with my friends.  Last night I went flying down a mountain on a snow tube and it was amazing.  For a few short seconds, I was someone else, someone without laundry, someone who was having fun and throwing caution to the wind.

But I guess some people are just made to be the carers and keepers and that’s my call in life.

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