Perfect Kind of Fun

I wish I could not be so perfection driven.  It makes me insecure,aggressive,competitive & frustrated.  I want to be the best and be first and be everyone’s number one choice.  I want to organize things and control things and just make things easier.  Well for one, I manage everything like this but my weight and now I am just fat.  I get wrapped up and forget something minor and beat myself up for days trying to remember it.  It’s not an easy life.  And why do I do this?  I have no idea.  I’ve been like this for my whole life.  I am sure it’s because my parents divorced and fought like crazy when I was younger and I just needed some kind of normal.  I’m sure it’s because I knew if I could take care of me and move beyond, I would not be lumped in with them, or connected to their own messed up lives, I could be different.  Some things it works to my advantage.  I am super organized and super on top of reading and projects for my kids.  My closets look amazing and so do my cupboards.  But there is not fun.  There is just each day checking something off a list, which is what this post is, one of my to do items.  The other night I had fun, I kicked back,enjoyed myself and let go.  It was so great, then I saw pictures and realized I was dancing and enjoying myself but I looked like a giant monster, I am huge.  I just looked silly.  Why can’t I ever just let go and relax.  Trying to do things perfectly is just my way of showing the things I can control to others when in reality I just want to relax and take in the little things, letting go is hard.


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