today


Today I decided I am really fat.  Grotesquely overweight and I hate it.  Today I realized if I had another fat friend/coworker/neighbor we could get on the next season of biggest loser.  Today my BMI makes me obese.  I never wanted to be the fat person.  My body looks odd, I carry all my weight in the middle and in my now ever present chins.  I used to be cute.  Guys used to do a double take or actually talk to me when I was out with my friends.  Now I am the fat friend who makes me incredibly beautiful friends look even prettier. I used to be stylin.  I would be wearing J Crew and Gap and looked nice.  Now I wear Walmart grandma clothes because they don’t hid my size but I think they do.  I want to eat, I like food.  I eat when I am bored and when I am frustrated.  I know skinnier people have it easier in this world.  I shop when I’m not eating and try to pretend I have an awesome life.  I never felt like the fat person, then I saw pictures of myself and I wanted to cry.  I probably should cry but I can’t.  I look like a loser.  I look like someone I would not hang out with.  And you know how you know you are fat, people always say your not fat. If you truly aren’t fat people would never say that. I want to go for long walks.  I want to expierence nature, but I can’t.  I have a toddler and a dog and it just won’t walk.  So I sit inside and I read and I go online and I get fatter.  I disgust me.  I want to just kind of stay inside and keep to myself and probably get fatter, but I am involved in many activities and people rely on me so I can’t be a hermit.  Today I am going to try weight watchers again, which I tried many years ago and had success with. Wish me  luck.

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