Strong in adversity

My preemie, who is now a toddler, may have praxia.  She has speech delay and is really not communicating as she should.  I pushed to have her hearing tested because I thought she couldn’t hear and she did have a hearing loss.  Then I was concerned with her speech and now we have this diagnosis, maybe.  She is still kind of young so her therapist does not want to label her as of yet.

So what do I think?  Well first I feel so guilty.  Guilty that I didn’t skin to skin her because she was in the NICU and I was getting worse and worse with pre-eclampsia.  Guilty that I couldn’t hold out 2 more weeks to give her little lungs a better chance, even though logically I know there is no way.  Guilty because she is so needy and has been super needy since birth.  My oldest child has always been independent so this was hard to adapt to and is still hard.  I’ve been telling my husband for almost three years she is very draining mentally and physically.  It is hard to go through a whole day trying to get things done while having to been involved with her the whole day.

Then I thought wow, how can this be my kid.  How can my child have this issue.  What about her future? What about her education? Will she ever be able to communicate and not be totally frustrated that we just aren’t getting it?  In my mind, I kept thinking about sports and activities and Sunday School and how difficult it might be for her.

Then after spending a rather trying day, in which I kept thinking Calgon take me away.  Reminiscing to times when I would have things to do for me, things to look forward to, not feel so overwhelmed,wondering why other moms don’t talk about being totally worn out.  Then I got word that someone I know has a very sick child.  A child who doctors don’t know what they can do for.  And I heard this touching story about how a nurse was just standing over her & praying over her.  How the child is sedated and the parents were told doesn’t know what’s going on, but still her numbers reacted when her mom spoke, and now her mom was told not to speak so as to not fluctuate her numbers.  Then I took a step back.  This mom has no choice, she would give anything to be at home with her kids being needy and demanding.  She would love to be here right now where I am with two healthy kids in bed.  And then I felt stupid.  I felt guilty.  I thought about how I am not the big picture.  My little problems and selfishness are nothing in this world.  If the worst I get is a kid with verbal praxia, then so be it.  Most days life is not fair.  Then there are the days where life just sucks, hearing about a sick child is one of those days.  And you know what I’ll persevere and so will they.  That’s what people do.  We care for each other and we get through the good and the bad.  Sometimes it just takes a giant slap in the face, to get you out of self pity.  I know that most times pray is the only answer.


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