Always right

I am an only child, so I have always been “older” and more responsible than others and I have envied that.  I have always tried to be perfect, write things down, be helpful, remember stuff- you know try to make life smooth and easy and try to control it, which I know can never happen, but you know us perfectionists.

A few weeks ago my paternal grandfather stopped eating.  He was depressed and his meds were messed up and he was in the hospital.  He finally started to gain some weight and come back.  Then my mom told my my maternal grandfather is in the hospital and things aren’t good, they aren’t sure what is wrong with him.  Then this morning as I was going to church my paternal grandmother went to the hospital.  She did not have a pulse when the ambulance got there.  Her kidneys stopped because she was dehydrated.  Now she is in intensive care in critical condition.  And then it hits me.  My grandparents raised me.  I have spoken to my grandmother every day of my life almost, even when I lived overseas.  I know my grandparents are old, but this is something out of my control.  I am out of my comfort zone. I don’t know what to do.  I want to cry, but can’t.  I pray, but what do I say? My grandmother has been my anchor in my life, my only stable for most of my unstable life.  So now what?  I feel like running away, going somewhere far away, leaving these problems behind and just living on a deserted island with my husband and kids. I moved home to be near her, I went to college closer to home to be near her, most of my choices and decisions involve her.  Now what?  I feel like without my grandmother we don’t need to be here, what is here?  Yes the rest of my family and friends, but we aren’t doing well here.  It’s just day to day sometimes.  I feel like when my grandmother is sick, I am floating, I don’t feel time.  It’s surreal.  It’s not here or there.  I never knew how attached I am to my grandmother.  What do I do?  I didn’t tell my friends because they all have their own ill family members right now.  And my grandmother is like my best friend.  I am so lost right now.  I think how all I do is for nothing, life happens and it’s crappy and you are stuck.  Why bother? I wish I could go back to the time when my grandmother and I would go antiquing together.  Just hanging out.


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