Just breathe


I’m scared about being older.  My grandparents go through so many ups and downs all the time.  I worry because they both are depressed and take meds but sometimes it doesn’t work as it should.  They are upset because they spend most time at home and don’t go out, they don’t have a huge friend base that they talk with all that much.

One was just in the hospital and now the other one is in the hospital.  My grandmother is getting better at home,but needs us to be there to get her food and stay overnight while she recovers.  Today she just got all upset a few times because she is worried about my grandfather who has decided to stop eating.  The hospital doesn’t know what to do, so he’s getting iv fluids.  He acts ok for one person and out of it for the next.  It’s so frustrating. I don’t know why he can’t take his meds, eat and get better so he can go home.  The hospital is such a boring depressive place to be for a long time.  I get so worried about him and about my grandmother and her stress because of him.  I worry if I am doing enough and what more I can be doing.  My aunt lives with them and has no children or husband.  I have two little kids so it’s hard for me to do a lot.  I know life is never easy, but it’s such an up and down and the stress can be overwhelming.  I just want to breathe, to take a breath.  I just want to know that someday I won’t be as confusing for my kids.  My grandmother has always put others first and worries about us, but my grandfather is stubborn and can be selfish and he has no idea how hard this is for us.  We are all trying to help and we can’t.  He won’t budge.  So now what? How do you calm someone down who has spent 60 years with that person, who had grown with them?  How do you try to explain to your grandmother to just worry about herself and not him because we all make our own choices and decisions.  I don’t know.  All I know is right now the busier I am and the times when I am sleeping are nice, because I’m not thinking about how to make it all better.  I can’t make it better and that is driving me crazy.  I am the person who wants to make it better, I always want to make everyone happy.  That’s what happens when you are a child of divorce.  My grandparents are my anchors-what happens when your anchor pulls away? How do you settle yourself then?

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