Grey’s with my eyes closed

I’m watching Grey’s anatomy with one eye on the tv and one eye off.  I am a preemie parent.  Nothing like the one being featured on Grey’s, but a preemie none the less.  Anyone who has ever been in a NICU can’t possibly see a preemie on tv and not get emotional, to remember where you were and how you felt.  I have been where Callie is not being able to leave my bed or see my baby, not being able to hold my baby.  Those are moments that have not left me several years later, they flash through my mind when we are playing and snuggling- they make me hold tighter and snuggle more, making up for lost time those first few days and weeks.  Right now I am dealing with an illness in my grandfather. He is getting older and weaker and things are not looking good.  He is old and frail.  He has been for several years.  Almost 7 years ago I asked for him to be ok for just five more years to meet and know my child, who was in utero still.  He met and loved baby #1 and then when baby #2 came into the world too early. He was praying for her and I.  Praying all night long and he is one of little faith.  He came to the hospital and saw my little baby.  Saw her and visited her when I could not.  He comments all the time of how amazing her care was and how amazing it is to see her now.  He’s known #1 and #2 and they know him and love him and have been part of his world and personality, they know why he was my favorite growing up.  He has also had a #3 when my brother had a child who has known and loved him.  So there is my preemie, there is my grandfather, there is my life.  I am coping as best as I can.  I’m praying, keeping up with my grandmothers health and spirit, talking with friends, getting good emails from people, and buying things online- which is bad, but it’s a way to make me feel ok.  Life is so crazy.  Life is so blessed.  Life is so complicated sometimes.


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