self sufficient

I started this post several weeks ago.  I was feeling all alone, my husband was away on business and I was not feeling well.  Since starting this I lost both of my grandparents in less than 2 weeks.  My grandparents who raised me.  I was thinking of how I always end up taking care of things for myself. I have been self sufficient since I was a kid.  My parents were a mess and then my grandparents adopted me.  I always felt like I wanted to be independent and not be too much trouble, because I always felt kind of bad, since they had to raise me.  They were amazing and as an adult I used to call my grandmother just to chat.  I have really great friends and a husband, but things always seem to come back to me, handling and taking care of me and everyone else.  I guess some people in this world are just the ones who care for themselves.  I have friends with amazing parents and siblings.  I love my husband and he is amazing but sometimes he doesn’t want to be bothered.  He goes to work really early and then works from home for most of the night when he is home.  I struggle with handling all the household stuff and kind of handle my feelings to myself.  It really stinks sometimes.  Now I feel even worse without my only anchors in the whole world.  Some people mistake it for being strong and in tact with my emotions, but it’s not that.  I just feel like well no one else is stepping up so I guess I will.  Life has changed and I feel even more alone and miss my grandmother a lot.  My husband is British and they tend to just keep it to themselves.  So in turn I have learned to adapt and keep it to myself and keep on going.  I guess I just always wished I had some kind of strong mother who I could talk to and who would look out for me and plan neat things to do together.  It’s been so long, that right now my only plan is to just be the mom to my kids that I always desired and to just remember my grandmother is watching over me.  Self sufficient is a lonely place, this is what I know for sure.


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