Don’t make me leave

I am the parent of a preemie.  My little girl was born 6 weeks early.  I went home from the hospital and she stayed on.  That was hard, that was harder than anything else in my life.  But it taught me a lot and gave me strength.  It was the only time in my marriage when my husband and I were both on edge and stressed and arguing and scared.  It was the only time in my life when I was worried about my marriage not working, because it was so hard.  I felt guilty like it was my fault somehow (even though it wasn’t).  I’ve always been afraid to get attached to people and things, because my childhood was a little unstable.  I was afraid something bad would happen to my baby.  I was afraid she would never get strong enough to come home.  I wanted to hold her so badly, to bring her home and take care of her, like you do with a baby.  But I held those longings in the back of my mind and held her in my heart, but I was so afraid.  I loved her from the time I knew of her, but I was just so scared to lose her and I’m not good at rejection or losing people.  My husband was amazing.  He was so into taking care  of her and going to see her everyday from work and for a little bit of time, I just couldn’t go to the hospital. I was envious that he was being the better parent. I was scared and nervous.  I got my daily email from the NICU and let him fill me in on his visits.  When we finally were allowed to hold her and feed her, I started to feel better.  I started telling her she’d get stronger and she’d be ok.  It was still so hard to come home without her.  It’s been almost three years and I am finally able to admit how scared I was, and maybe that makes me a weak person, but I am sure there are other preemie moms and dads out there who have the same concerns and fears.  It’s normal.  Just love your baby and pray and give your feelings time and give your feelings validation, everyone handles things differently.


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