4 days turned into 11, the may my life changed


my thoughts as they came to me and as things progressed over a four day period:

distractions
waiting
world feels strange nothing is normal
nothing is calm
bringing the family together sharing stories/memories
feel so cozy and so much love
modern grieving distraction- Facebook
when someone is lying before you in and out of consciousness you want to say all the words in your heart and your head, but you don’t want to speak those words, you wait thinking that it’s not the right time, you hold onto hope, but it doesn’t come out right, it doesn’t sound elegant, there is not way to be elegant around death
how do you write an obit?  How do you sum how much you loved someone and how much they loved you and how much of their life they gave to you and so many others in a paragraph.  You can’t.  You come, you love, you care and what you give to your family is love and memories, not a simple summary of 80 years on this earth.
sick people know.  my grandfather knows we are all there and he sat up and said thanks.  he knows there is so much love for him.  He knows we are walking him there as far as we can and then his journey will lead him to Jesus and his mom and daddy.  He sat up this morning and told everyone he has the best daddy ever and then asked for his mom
the hardest thing about this day was the many times my grandfather asked for my grandmother.  she was rushed to the icu this morning and is now unconscious.  we can’t tell him because it may upset him so.  she wanted him home with her so badly and now she is in the hospital and not with him.  he knows shes not in the room, but is too weak to fight for an answer.  They both kept raising their arms today as if they were reaching for each other.
the dog knows something is up, spent the first few nights laying under my grandfathers hospital bed and now won’t leave my grandmothers room- he seems sad and he knows they are missing
sat and just looked around the living room, the pictures, the knick knacks- things that meant something at the time, to look nice, to make some smile and now it seems odd.  Things that won’t mean anything and will go somewhere else.  No longer gracing the walls.  How can people and things just leave and change so quickly
realizing really fast it’s friends and family who you need at the end, nothing else matters- not wealth, not your job, not your house, not your things.  All you need is love and your family & friends
you just wait and act as though you need to go through your normal routine, but what is normal and what matters life has gone upside down
food laughter and waiting- remembering good times
death is like  birth- waiting, feeling awkward and not knowing what to expect, labored breathing.  obviously not a happy experience, but it is amazing how we come into the world similar to how we go out
feel like being at home when you are leaving is the best thing.  we can comfort and talk to my grandfather and feel like we are walking with him to his next destination
today we had a slight scare with my grandfathers condition and my father was telling him to go to his parents and cousins who were waiting and my aunt was shouting go to the light and at the time it was very tense and scary but thinking about it now, I feel like my grandfather was probably thinking, my goodness what’s the rush.  I half expected him to sit up and tell us all to be quiet and he’ll do what he wants when he’s good and ready.
he went home last night and my grandmother “turned around completely” while it happened.  I woke up at 1:40 am coughing like crazy right as he was leaving this world.  we had to go this morning to let my grandmother who is now conscious and tell her that husband of 49 years passed.  That was very very hard, one of the hardest things I have ever done
The hospice nurses and having my grandfather at home was one of the most amazing things we could do.  It was peaceful and he was at ease and the room was always full of love.
grandmother is sick again, after being moved to another floor in hospital and still so sad she couldn’t say goodbye
don’t know how to react when people express condolences, not your typical emotional mess, like some of my relatives are, who haven’t gone to work in over a week and who think all the greiving is for them and are telling everyone just for a response, just for attention and that is just wrong and annoying
going to do a stealing home kind of move with the ashes, has been my plan all along, go back to where we had some great memories, go back to his 2nd home
being strong, not breaking down, but feeling so weak inside- keeping my feelings to myself
not being able to get over the fact that he wanted to be home last weekend picking the horses and by the time he did get home last weekend, he could just watch and not pick, but that made him happy and it made him talk
if my dad and I did not call ambulance, he may have passed within a few days without us all around.  By going to the hospital and getting a proper diagnosis, we were able to have him at home, call friends and loved ones and give him a proper going off filled with peace, comfort, laughter and love.  And my grandmother got to have one good night with him, with happy memories.  So it was how it should have been.  Everything happens for a reason.
Men don’t collect things.  I noticed in my grandfathers stuff, he was not a collector and didn’t have much besides music, movies & clothes.  That made me think of all the stuff in our home & I realized most of it is mine and the kids.  Men are simple and less complex like that I guess.  In some ways that makes it easy
EPILOGUE:
10 days after this loss and grieving process started I recieved another middle of the night phone call, my grandmother passed.  She was my best friend, I called her every day of my adult life, even when I lived overseas, except for that day. I feel so ungrounded right now.  I have no anchor, I have no base.  I want to run & get on a plane and go somewhere tropical. But I can’t, running will get me no where.  I know I will get through this, but it is incredibly hard to lose the people who raised you within 10 days of each other.  May is not going to be a month I will look back on fondly.
A horse with my grandfathers name won a race today and made my dad’s friend who played it in his memory very happy & as much as I see FB as a hinderance and a bragging distraction sometimes it has been amazing to receieve such heartfelt comments and memories of my grandparents from friends & relatives.  It’s amazing to see how much people care and how much love there is when you are in a tough time
I know what people feel like in loss now, I’ve never had a loss until the past 2 weeks and now I’ve had 2.  I feel numb,lost almost, drifting. I am going through the motions but not living right now.  I hear the phone ring and I think it’s my grandmother calling a million times a day like she did.  We could chat mindlessly for ever.  Now I won’t have those chats.  I have some of their stuff but all along I thought things to look at and remember would help, but they don’t.  I just wish I could talk to them a little bit. That’s it, nothing dramatic, not wanting them to be with me always or hugs or anything, just talk to them a little.  I hope that my grandmother knows how much she meant to me.  Like most people I never really told her, not too many people are that open and honest in communication.  I think she knew, I tried so much to make her life easy and to be there for her and my grandfather.  I always feel bad, because I had a rough few years when I was a teen.  I was not the nicest or easiest person to be with.  I look outside and all I see is my yard and the flowers that may be blooming soon and birds and I want to call my grandmother and tell her about it, but I can’t.  I can just sit quietly and talk with her in my mind. And tell my kids stories so they won’t ever forget her.  You really can be here and six hours not be here.  Life and death, so quick.  It throws a planner like me off base, it’s hard for me to fathom that it just happened and that’s it.

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