what’s the matter, mary jane, have you had a hard day
I just got that Alanis Morrisette song in my head. I was thinking about my quest this year to look at life and what I am doing and try to understand my need to try to make things perfect, to have control over the uncontrollable. I haven’t posted on this topic in two months because life showed it’s uncertainty and unpredictability to me the past month. I lost my grandparents within a week of each other. Nothing could have prepared me for that. There I was living my life, trying to do things to help them and take care of them and to make them happy and proud and then they were no longer here. The night my grandmother left us, I went out with my friends to be cheered up and all of a sudden, I had this feeling that I had not done enough, I needed to be and do more to make them proud, to show what a great job they did of raising me and for about 15 minutes I was dead set that I needed to go to medical school and become a doctor, help older people & care for them in their greatest needs. Quite literally my friends had to tell me that my grandparents were proud, and that doing more and accomplishing more would not change a thing, it wouldn’t bring them back. Wow, that was a tough thing to get too. Then I started to forget things on my date book. I always write everything down, I am a planner and I was missing things or losing my thoughts and it was driving me crazy. I felt like I was not handling things ok, like I was all over the place, like I was not in control. And what an illusion that is. I mean someone like me can plan out their days and months and all it takes is that one phone call and you know what, your fear is there. Planning and control did not get you anywhere, except maybe a bit more organized than most. So why do I do it? Why don’t I throw caution to the wind and just do my days like I want, enjoying and noticing things whenever, not in my scheduled time? Why do I still try to control the uncontrollable? I really can only think that because my childhood was so chaotic, it’s my small way of making sure things are in place and making sure I don’t look all messed up and out of control like my early life was. I mean since my grandparents passed, I have felt free-er to do things, like attend a bbq and not worry that they need me or feel bad for having fun, while they are at home and feeling the effects of being over 3/4 of a century old. I feel like I am taking more time to just play and talk with my kids, relaxing more, letting more things go until tomorrow or the next day or the next day. Getting to know my neighbors and just spending time when it comes up to share a great memory of them with my kids, because that means so much to me. So some days are hard and some days are a bit easier, but without that life would be pretty boring.