what i didn’t do

I called my grandmother every day, several times a day in addition to just popping by.  I called her to just chat, to ask her about child rearing, to ask her about my health, to gossip, to talk tv shows, to fill her in on the news and the happenings in town.  She called me to talk and to talk to my kids.  Whenever the phone rang the kids assumed it was her.  They both learned her phone number on caller id as toddlers.  I even called her everyday when I lived in Bermuda and it was about 20 cents a minute or something crazy like that to call the States.  That’s how we were.  We were chatters.  The hardest thing for me has been a ringing phone and knowing it’s not her.  Now I never would tell her face to face or on the phone how amazing she was or how much I loved her. I never told her how much she meant to me and how much I enjoyed our calls.  A week before she passed away on mother’s day I left work early and hung out in the hospital with her for several hours, I just didn’t feel like leaving.  My husband spent more time visiting her and my grandfather this time that they were in the hospital on his way home from work, because when you have kids under 12, you can’t just go to a hospital, but I had good time with her.  The last day she was here, I worked pretty late, then I went to get her some new underwear at the mall.  She called me the night before and said how much she needed them for my grandfathers service the next week and for when she came home.  She was getting better.  I tried to call her at her rehab on my way home from work, but just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t have the number and I was running late, wanted to go home and eat and go to the mall.  So I didn’t call her.  I texted my aunt and she said she was doing ok and that the rehab looked ok.  Someone tried to call me from the place, but I just didn’t call back- maybe it was her, I don’t know but I wanted a nice time at the mall and some time with my family and I was just tired and stressed.  It was only when I got back from the mall that the calls starting coming in until 3am.  She wasn’t doing well, could she walk on her own, did she have a DNR, could we come to the hospital and then finally while I was waiting for my aunt to come pick me up, the last call.  The one from a doctor I don’t know, who I won’t know but who changed my life forever.  A simple phone call.  I was down to one grandparent and 11 days later I was down to none.  I lost them both.  I got some closure with my grandfather, I got to talk to him, hold his hand, tell him I loved him.   With my grandmother I didn’t have that.  It happened so fast.  Does she know how much I loved her?  Does she know how she shaped my life and how pivotal she was to me?  She meant the world to me and I just didn’t call her that day.  One silly call, could have lasted all of 10 mins but I thought I was too tired and had too many things to do and it would all be alright.  So there is my lesson, tell people how you feel, make that call, send that text, email, hug, show your love, write a card.  Tell people how you feel and never take for granted that people will be there.  I can only hope she knows I loved her so much and she was my best friend.  I miss her so much, and I hate to hear the phone ring since I know it’s not her.


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