Home Again

They say you can not go home again.  I went home again. When I went to college, I hated the place I was, so I ended up transferring and commuting to a school I liked.  So the first time I left home I moved to another country.  I was out of the country for 10 months.  I was so nervous to come home.  It was so different.  For starters the road driving sides were reversed.  I had not driven a car in 1o months.  When I first walked into my home, my grandparents looked so much older.  But the house still smelled the same.  My bed still had the softest best scented sheets and blankets and it felt like home.  It was weird though, it was weird to go from my own place to someone else’s just for a visit.  When you leave you come back changed, you grow and you have a different view, but so do the people you left.  Part of life is growing and learning and it was good to grow into someone new but also good to come back to the people that grounded you.  I felt kind of excited, I had an awesome job, I lived abroad, life seemed good, but my family was there to remind me of my roots.  It felt awkward on some visits I felt caught in between two worlds.  I wanted to be at home and be me again, but I wanted to go back and be the me there.  It was hard.  Eventually I came home and have been here for almost ten years. Having kids makes you feel grounded too, you feel like you belong to a place, also having a connection to a church and social groups makes you feel welcome and like you belong.  But when I lost my grandparents recently I’ve been floating, not feeling like I belong anywhere anymore.  There is such a void, even though my aunt still lives in their home, I feel weird because I don’t have anyone to call when I go on vacation, I feel weird because they were such the glue to hold me together.  Will my home ever feel like home?  Does it take many years?  Will I always feel a slight jealousy to friends who have parents and family homes to go to, for big meals and holidays? I want to feel at home but I just don’t feel at home like in the house I grew up in with my grandparents.  When does home become home?


About this entry