Truth be told

I suck at will power.  Can I make that confession?  Do people admit to that?  My life is crazy semi-messy because I can’t say no and I make poor choices. Last night I couldn’t sleep so I woke up and watched Hopkins 24/7 on OWN.  Thank you Oprah, by the way for my real life medical fix.  Well there were people on with eating disorders and I was listening to them and I started to think about me.  I just don’t have an off switch for eating.  If it looks good I’ll eat it.  I don’t care about carbs, calories or anything else.  I don’t look at life in terms of how many hours of cardio will burn off that muffin. I just eat it and get fat.  I’ve been to a few parties this summer and I notice that none of my friends snap pics of me. I finally saw one and I was shocked.  I am enormonous.  I don’t know if they don’t forever want largest me ever etched into their memories or if they feel bad and think if they looked like me, they wouldn’t want a picture.  Just today, I thought I’d try to be a bit better, than I went to my aunts house and she had mini donuts and I snagged a powdered one and then another.  I mean why? Who does that?

I was a size 2 or 4 in high school.  I gained a bit of weight after I first got married.  I lost a bunch of weight, then found out I was pregnant with #1 and it was all downhill from there.  I gained 80 pounds and I was heavy to start.  I had gestational diabetes.  Then with baby#2 I had pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome.  So I should have exercised and eaten right.  My parents are far from specimens of health and yet my selfish take the easy way out self says, oh just go to the buffet, have a cig while you are out with friends, drink a full calorie beer and dr.pepper as a daily treat, and my favorite one, lots of people have 2 candy bars a day, one in the am and one in the pm for energy.  I just feel so far gone, like there is no way to get back, so I just keep up my eating habits.  I hate my body, I hate my clothes and the way they don’t fit nicely, I think my face is huge and lets not talk about my chins.  I feel bad for my husband and would not attend his reunion.  I am dreading 2 beach vacations this summer.  I wonder if my kids will one day feel like Gilbert Grape’s brothers and sisters, when I go to functions.  I am constantly looking for another frumpy, large, not at all stylish mom, so I won’t feel so alone in the world.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be a 2, I’d be happy at 12, I just can’t get there.  I know you start small, same thing with debt management and payback.  But I just can’t get the energy to get there.  So here I sit and think about how truly large I’ve become and wonder why my friends or husband don’t just say, wow you are really fat, maybe you should eat better or go for walks or something.  Instead they all pretend I am not that large and it’s silly really.  I just miss me.  I miss looking at clothes and shoes, I miss energy, I miss feeling good about me, I miss many things about me and I have no idea how to get them back.  My identity is so tied up in fat me and being a mom, that I don’t even know the old me.  I have no idea how to get me back.  I am becoming an angry, large, jealous person who just wants to sit at home and read and eat and sleep.  I want to have fun and enjoy myself.  Where do I go from here?


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