Heart Aches


What I know.  I know that this little device keeps my husband alive.  I know that sounds strange since he is only 33. I knew when I married him that there was always going to be a nagging little fear about this little object and here it has come to play.  Today he found out he will be getting risky surgery that they only do at 4 hospitals in the US.  He has had a pacemaker since he was 15.  I have been through one replacement battery with him since we’ve been married.  People don’t usually get pacemakers as teens.  So the scenario is a lot different for the upkeep and maintainence that it was say for my 80 year old grandfather. While he was having a 3 hour meeting with his cardio team, I was taking our child to the pediatric optimologist for her check up (preemies sometimes have eye issues) so I was not there, plus I think he kept me from being there because he knows I worry and he wanted to understand it in his own way and take a burden from me.  Am I scared? Hell yeah.  Once this is done, it will be done again in 20 years and the scar tissue will be a lot worse.  So I know more about pacemakers than most people my age and I can’t honestly say that’s a good thing.  I know that my kids may one day have this issue because it is hereditary and so they are getting checked every few years from a pediatric cardiologist.  I know that there are days that are good and days that are bad.  I know that I was wishing for a super power to flash back in time and heal my husband, or go back to when we met and we were young and weren’t so concerned with the serious real life stuff.  I know that I really thought if I held him enough when he came home from work and closed my eyes, that somehow this would be a dream.  I know that this will be the 1st time in my life to face something major without my grandparents.  I know that I love him more than anything and he is my best friend, so this doctor better be as good as he is said to be.

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