thirty-5


I am going 35 in exactly one month.  I can clearly remember going 25 a decade ago and being bugged out.  25 was old to me.  I was no longer a kid.  I couldn’t imagine 30, as some of my friends were turning at that point.  So 35 is slowly creeping up on me.  In a way I am now more proud to be older.  I think I’m doing ok for 35.  I’ve had the career, the marriage, the house, the kids, the bestest friends.  I don’t feel as old as some 35 years old would appear, but I know I am not as young as someone in their 20’s.  If I see a cute famous guy who is in his mid-20’s I now feel like a cougar for thinking he’s cute.

Somedays I miss 25.  At 25 I was out of college and in a very serious job in banking and felt like life was on it’s way.  Yes I went out and partied.  I didn’t save like I should have and I regret that.  Now I get sad when I think about how some kids at work who are 25 are still at home, traveling and living life, taking easy jobs and not being too serious.  I’ve always been serious.  Did I miss out on fun?  Did I want the grown up life too fast?

35 makes me feel settled.  I do have a family and a house and some roots.  I have pets that need to be fed so there are no spontaneous vacations.  I have bills that need to be paid, so there’s no quick trips to buy some David Yurman jewelery.  But I am also more pleased with life.  I’ve gone back to church, got really involved, have amazing kids, amazing friends,an amazing investment club.  I still read as much as I’ve ever wanted.  And while I’m secure in somethings, I am insecure because I have a mom body, I let myself go.  I used to be styling, now only if I am going out.  I’m still the same as my teenage self wanting to fit in and go out when I can with my friends, and then worrying about if I said anything offensive in making judgements on others.  I think in your mind you are always your younger self.  I remember hearing an older person once say they felt 16 in their mind, when they looked in the mirror they saw themselves as a teen, not an octagarian.

I’m almost 1/2 way to 40.  I am alone this b-day, no grandparents who raised me, since I lost them both this year.  I can’t believe I’m going to be 35.  It looks young when you type it.  What do I want for my 35 year?  What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to go?  I mainly want to get to know me again.  I’ve been putting 100% of my energy into taking care of my little guys and as they age, I feel myself coming back- more time for crafts, some alone time in the bathroom to get ready, more time to write or hear myself think or daydream.  I need to know me for my next decade journey.  I need to feel at ease in being myself, so I can age into an awesome 40 something.

It’s funny ever since I was 16, I kept imagining the next age milestones, but I never thought past 30, I think when you are 16, 30 is sooooo old.  Now look-no preconceived notions about 35!! Talk to me in 5 years to see what I think.

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