Some more of my big (Pa)Dutch Irish family memories

I’m sitting here watching a dvr’ed my big fat gypsy wedding and eating some honey turkey ring bologna, drinking my nan’s lemon orange-ade and missing my grandparents like crazy.  You know I don’t ever know where to start, I want to record my memories and some family memories, so someday in case I forget (I’ve watched the Notebook a gazillion times and my husband is not into recording memories), my kids will know.

When I was little and living with my grandparents I wanted a dog.  I guess all kids want a dog.  I think I used to bark and drop some major hints, but I never expected a dog.  One day my pap came home from work in his work coat, which had huge pockets.  He reached in his pocket and had a dog for me.  A little cockapoo puppy.  I was in love.  We named him teddy and I used to dress him up, before it was fashionable and he even had little rain boots.  I loved that little dog.  My pap and nan surprised me that day.

My grandfather would also joke like crazy, he told me he was relived when he found out I was pregnant because he thought I was just getting a large butt and my grandmother said she thought I was letting myself go.  My grandfather also told a hostess at a dinner once to look for the big fat pregnant lady, when we were running late.  But is was never mean, if you knew him you knew his humor.

My grandfather loved Tang and salt on his watermelon, and big home grown tomatoes.

He would joke about how he could tell my husband did my daughters hair because it was combed, she has super tight curly hair which is hard to control and style and I am awful at that.  He used to go get ham and string beans on a Monday for me and my grandmother and would drop mine off and sit and talk with my kids.

When we’d go to the grocery store each Saturday, I would sit in the cart and read or walk and read when I got too big and we would return our soda bottles and get new ones each week.  That was the coolest thing and the registers were the original kind where you had to type in the numbers, I always wanted to be a checkout girl when I grew up and I was for a bit in college, but everything was computerized by then.

I would stay up late on Friday nights and sometimes friends and family would be over playing cards.  I’d fall asleep in one of my grandfathers tee shirts which I used for a nightgown and he’d carry me to bed.  I still have his robe and I love to wear it and think about him. We’d also sit up some Friday nights watching Dallas and eating Fritos and horseradish dip.

I came home from living abroad because my grandparents were getting old and where I was living was getting full of crime.  I missed them and felt bad for them and wanted to be able to do more for them.  So for 7 years my life was about helping them and being with them and talking to them and calling them.  So I miss them so much.

Earlier tonight I was watching a show on kids with OCD.  Most of the kids were perfectionists, trying to be perfect at school and sports and life in general.  That scares me because I am a perfectionist and I was thinking why am I?  What am I afraid of?  What if  I keep going at this perfectionist lifestyle?  I think I try to be perfect because I felt like such a worthless kid when I was little.  My parents had their own lives and issues and kind of gave me to my grandparents. So in order to cope I got perfect grades, kept my room clean,learned as much as I could and was just an all round overachiever.  I tried to be well behaved.  I did it in fear that my grandparents would think I was a pain or something, even though that would never happen.But that’s how irrational thoughts start when you are little and wondering why your life is odd and what’s up with your parents.  So I wonder how do you un-perfectionist yourself?  How do you not overdo it and end up with OCD?

I’ve been exploring my feelings alot these days and wondering about my life and how I got here to where I am.  I miss my grandparents a lot.  I am so thankful for them.  I was so lucky and blessed.  But there’s still a lot of questions I wonder about.


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