Eyes Closed

Do you close your eyes and think about your life? Do you think about how other people seem to have it all together? Think about where you always thought your life would be by now? I feel bad because I do have many things to be happy about and I am blessed. But sometimes my husband gets in such awful moods, I hate it.  He watches all our money now to the penny, so I could not grab a snack after work with friends and I couldn’t run out to buy a 1/2 gallon of my favorite iced tea, but he had wings 3 times this week.  He doesn’t help me clean and feels like I am asking him to move mountains, if I ask if he fed the cats.  He blames me for being a bad parent if my kids are tired, cranky, leave toys around or the other million silly things kids do. I feel so useless, he just criticizes everything I do.  I worked so hard to make my life how I wanted it, so different then how I was raised. I worked hard, sent myself to college, moved abroad, had a good job.  And now that I am a mother and don’t bring as much to the table, he just seems odd, plus the in laws are here and they put him in a judgemental mood, they judge him and in turn he judges me and they judge and comment about my kids and then he picks on me for that.

This is not what I expected.  I think in my mind, I have a picket fence (how cheesy is that?), I’m the mom who moms at lessons talk to and who moms on the PTO want to work with (instead I am the mom no one pays attention too when they are getting all chummy),I make yummy snacks and have a perfect clean house, I have extra income so I can shop sometimes, but still look for bargins.  I meet friends for lunch.  My husband comes home and we chat and have fun walks together and just enjoy ourselves.  We don’t worry about money or having perfect kids.  We just build each other up and support and love each other, not this eggshells existance I have now.  I mean I try so hard to be nice and he just doesn’t get it.  He was never like this and I wish he would admit he’s moody and get meds or something.

My eyes closed, I see the fun and laughter of my friends and the various activites we like to do.  I see friends working things out with their spouses and not worrying and fighting about every little thing every 5 mins.  My spouse has become his money hungry mother and that’s all he thinks about, and it’s just not cool.  I feel lonely and isolated and like I’m not in a fun place.  So I read and I sleep as often as I can, and I hope it will change someday soon.


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