Teary eyed when I see a preemie

Gosh this post is outdated, but something I wanted to get out there.  I can not see a preemie without getting teary eyed and without going right back there to the NICU in my memories.  I am so happy that pampers started including preemies in their print ads.  It reminds me of how tiny and fragile my baby’s life began.  Last season on Grey’s when Callie had the baby and she was early because of the accident I couldn’t watch it.  It took me a few weeks before I could watch that episode on DVR. It made me sad, it reminded me of my baby and all the other preemies  in the NICU.  I got sad when Alex kangarooed a baby on another episode.  I wanted nothing more than to do that with my preemie and I couldn’t.  I was too sick and then when I was ok, she still couldn’t be held.  There was such frustration and then I worried we wouldn’t bond because of that.  Flash forward three years and she’s like my little shadow, but I didn’t know that at the time.

I could relate to Callie’s frustration  and sadness and feeling helpless when you can’t hold your preemie that was the hardest thing for a me to go through. Worse than thinking about her medical issues, it was the feeling that I could not pick up my child and hold them and rock her and make everything seem better.  There is such an instinct for a mom to need to hold her baby.

I’ve never experienced such a direct connection of memories and feelings on tv as I do with that of being a preemie parent.  I mean for example you see a birth on tv and yes you probably think about your baby and your feelings, but it doesn’t move me to the point of being emotional.  Any time there is a preemie it takes me back, to the days and nights of going to the NICU, of being at home without my baby, of feeling so frustrated and sad, of getting upset with my husband because he took it as it was where as I couldn’t grasp the fact that we’d ever get to bring her home and I was such an emotional mess.

She did come home and she’s been thriving and growing like a weed ever since.  We have some developmental issues from being a preemie, but otherwise it’s sometimes hard to remember how tiny she was that first year and how scary it was to become a preemie parent.  But it gets better.  Time passes, baby’s grow, you get more comfortable holding your tiny miracle and life is good.


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