incomplete

I had it all planned.  I plan everything.  I would take care of my grandparents forever and if anything happened to one of them, the other one would come and live in my home.  That’s what I always wanted to do, it’s what my husband also wanted me to do.  It seemed to me like a purpose and a need I was supposed to fulfill.  Well that all changed when they both passed this year within 11 days of each other.  So where did that leave me and my need? My plan? My job?  I felt like I was missing time with them.  I had a very very long time and more time than most grandkids get since I lived with them, but don’t we always want more time with those we love? I felt like I didn’t get to serve them or show them that I would have cared for them forever and I would always take care of them and not let them live alone or in a home.  I wanted to give back to them, the life they gave me when my parents could not care for me.  I wanted to show them how much they meant to me and I did not get that chance.  I wanted them to not have to worry about bills or weather or going to an appointment or even remembering appointments, I just wanted to make their last years so easy that all they had to do was nap and watch Matlock reruns.  I would get them treats from the store, go and get their favorite  meals, my kids would have had lots of time to spend with them each day.  We’d all have one big family meal together again at the end of the day and my house would never feel lonely or empty, I would go to sleep each night knowing they were all snuggled up downstairs.  I really put thought into this and I wanted this to happen.  Since I didn’t get that opportunity it makes me wonder if they knew I would take care of them? If they knew I would be there for them and that I loved them that much.  Life is always what we don’t plan for and sometimes you feel like there are things you didn’t complete and you wonder about how to compensate for that…