Today was cool. Second weekend in a row where I had a nice day with my family. My son had a soccer game, we all went after a relaxing morning. We took my aunt to lunch after the game and walked around Target, then came home and went to a fall party. Just nice. No real need to be anywhere or do anything, just kind of relaxing and enjoying ourselves. But in the back of my mind I had a to do list. I wanted to plant my mums, feed the birds, wash the bedding, make chili. I wanted to read some magazines, finish a book, start a new book. I wanted to get my child a winter coat, bake something and try to remember the 800 other things I forgot to do yesterday and several days before. Oh and I forgot I needed to find some acorns for a craft I was doing.
So why do I feel the need to always have these other things to do in my mind? Why do I need to overachieve and do it all even on a relaxing day? When will I stop wanting to be perfect and do it all? I want to be the person I was when I lived on an island. I want to go with the flow and be me and relax, but it just never happens. I mean I’m always wound up, my muscles are tense, I’m tense. My mind is always on. There is never a just sit back and relax mode. It’s always what I need to do next, what I need to remember, what I need to write down oh where is my pen, is it weird to make a note on my hand or a receipt or a napkin? Is anything that important and on and on and on. And no one holds me to this standard, it’s me holding myself and demanding this of myself. My husband is the opposite he can do 100 million things at once, but shut down and relax and not worry about a thing. He balances me so well and makes me feel so chill. When I was in labor with my second and having high blood pressure, it actually went down when he came in the room. He made me relax and feel ok. I don’t know why I can’t relax and know there is no one expecting me to be on top of everything and to do everything. It’s only me and if I forget to do one of the things I have to do, no one will say anything and if it’s important I’ll remember it or it will come up again. It’s so easy to type that, but so hard to live that way. I’m just trying day by day to let go and some days I think I’m doing well and then other days, I feel like I am back at square one…..