missing you

Does it ever get easier when you lose a loved one?  I ask myself this as it is about to come to 7 months since I lost my grandparents, the people who raised me. Is it harder or easier that they both passed within 11 days of each other?  Is it better to take all the bad right away so you don’t have to go through that again?

The other day I went to my grandfathers old stomping grounds- the drug store and everything reminded me of him and I had a cry. When he died I cried for about 20 mins when my husband went to help with the funeral people coming to the house.  When I got the call 11 days later that my grandmother passed, I cried more out of anger for about 10 mins then pulled myself together for the sake of my family who I knew would be a mess at the hospital.  I’m not much of a crier to begin with.  I’m more black and white, no gray areas, not too emotionally tied up in things.  But I miss them like crazy.  I miss calling my grandmother, I miss my grandfather stopping by to bring me some food and say hi to the kids, I miss having to run errands and pick things up for them that I know they like- good & plenty for my grandmother and circus peanuts for my grandfather.  I feel like people should just come up to me and say I miss them or I was thinking about them too.  I feel like it all happens and then people don’t really talk about you anymore.  I know my little girl is forgetting them already and I keep trying to tell her stories and things, but that’s life.  They have never come to me in a dream to say hey or we are ok or anything like that, which I sort of thought they would.  I grieved for sure, but I didn’t really have the ache I feel now.  Is there always  an ache?  Does it go away or get easier?  I wish so badly I could just pick up the phone and tell my grandmother about swim lessons or the crazy things my aunt did this time.  I wish I could go and sit with them and talk and hug them and just be there spending time.  It is so surreal because I really never thought I would miss anyone like this, it makes such a difference.  They also don’t have a resting spot, so it’s not like I can go there and talk to them.  I know people get all emotional at the holidays over lost ones and I’m sure that is part of the reason, but it’s more than that.  I lost the two people who were the only constants in my whole entire life over the course of less than two weeks, and they were so very much a part of my life, it’s been such an adjustment to alter my life without them.  I get so down because people quickly forget they raised me, they were like parents to me and now I don’t have that, so it hurts real bad some days.  And the hurting days are becoming more and more…


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