merry


It’s Christmas Eve, and I sit here with my hubs and kids.  The kids are crazy excited and it’s cute. I was supposed to go to church with friends and then to another friends mom’s house for a Christmas Eve feast, but I begged out.  I don’t feel well and I’m kind of bummed.  My grandparents are gone.  My friends are spending Christmas Eve with their families and siblings and nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles. Continuing traditions and celebrating and while I was invited to be included in some of that, I feel weird.  I don’t want to be the family-less friend who tags along and secretly wishes she had a family to celebrate with.  Then tomorrow morning, my mother will come over with her husband and so will my aunt and they will sit here for hours when I would like it to be time with me , the hubs and kids.  My in laws are overseas so we can’t celebrate with them.  I’m just down because  my whole life I’ve wanted a cool family celebration on Christmas Eve, we used to have so much fun with my grandparents and we played games, my brother was younger and wasn’t messed up like he is now.  Then I’d be at the in laws and that was fun, a nice evening meal, friends visiting and then church with the hubs on a warm island night.  It’s not just Christmas, but Christmas hurts right now, it’s all the holidays -Thanksgiving, 4th of July and celebration where families get together.  It all hurts when there is no family.  It’s not like the movies, it’s not like real life families.  It’s us hanging out and while I love it, I would love one of those warm family celebrations that your mom prepares.  Some food, laughs, talking, just being together.  I’ve never had that, my mom has never prepared anything and it was years since my grandparents did anything even before they were gone.  So there it is. I’m sitting here in self pity, counting down the hours until Monday, when we will be a whole year from the next Christmas, a whole year from when families gather and we don’t have that, a whole year from remembering that most parents make an effort for their kids and not having ever known that.

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