gone


Dear Nan,

It’s been 10 months, 10 months since the ground dropped out from under me. 10 months since you left this world for a better place. I know you are happy and healthy and not in pain. Hopefully you don’t even think about the post-polio issues you spent so many years fighting. I just wanted to say I miss you so much. For months I would wait for the phone to ring so we could chat. Recently since it’s getting nice out I find myself reaching to buy you some candy or a shirt or any of the other things I would just pick up for you. I wish I could say that I found a whole bunch of old letters or a journal or something so I could have had something to read over and over, to look at your scratchy south paw writing, but you didn’t. I do have some of your recipes and I cherish them. I sometimes wonder if you are watching us or if heaven is non-stop fun, kind of like a cruise, so you are busy catching up with old friends and family and meeting new people and just enjoying yourself. I hope you are watching my kids, they are getting really big. We’ve been on a plane, drove to North Carolina and been on a few boats.The whole time I kept thinking I hope nan and pap can see because the kids are having so much fun. They are funny both of them, they just giggle sometimes and laugh and other times A. looks just like you. She has the temper of you and I, and she let’s you know it.I don’t want to sound like everyone else, but I never expected it to happen so fast. You think that oh people get sick or you have some warning, but even though you seemed better, your body was ready and Jesus was waiting. I think it’s funny you went after pap. When someone is alive you don’t really think of the romance and the love, but then it all happened and it was amazing. You guys had been together so long, you must have missed him something crazy.There was a connection there, I never realized looking at you both from my one sided selfish grandchild view. But it made me happy and gave me hope. I think G. has been missing you guys, a few months ago he got on a Frasier kick. He also talks about you guys a lot in general conversation. I must say at first I was so mad, why, why did you leave? I wasn’t ready. You raised me and you took care of me even as an adult. You helped with my kids and you worried about them as much as I did. But then I figured you left me with so much knowledge and love. I also had the gift of you knowing my kids and them knowing you, people don’t always get that. I think you were both around to keep me through the hardest time with A being a preemie and the NICU time.I needed you both then so much. People keep thinking oh it’s not so bad, but your were more than a grandmother, you were my best friend and like a mom, someone I was so close to, someone I missed if I went away for more than one day. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you that last day, I went to the mall to buy you stuff and I saw the missed call and by the time they started calling me from the rehab it was too late.Our last chance to chat and I missed it. I was so sad because I wasn’t there to make it easier for you, I wasn’t there to tell you I love you and I miss you and I would see you again one day. I wasn’t there to ask you to send me a sign like people do, but I’ve smelled your perfume, we had a dove in our kitchen that morning and that has never happened before or since and even G( you know how he feels about stuff like that) still says it was you. Please know I loved you so much, I’m not perfect and if you can see it all, yeah I might get a little too carried away at a holiday party with my friends, I might not use the choicest vocab some days and many other things, but deep down I try to live like you would want me to and like you raised me. I hope you hear me when I talk to you, in the car-people must think I’m crazy some days….

 

Dear Pap,

I love you. I miss you. You made me laugh, you loved me. You made my kids laugh and would do anything for me, the kids or G. I felt awful when I left the hospital that one night and you were talking about coming home, I didn’t know. I felt bad because I knew you were so sick, but I didn’t know if you knew. Then the next time I saw you a few days later, it was so different, but the one day you asked for me and I was sitting there. You made me feel so happy because you kept talking about all your family that passed, your parents, cousins, friends and that seemed to make you so happy, you made it seem like you were ok and loved. I also know when you left everyone who loved you was there. I wish I was there, but G thought I wouldn’t want to be. That is one regret I might always have. I’m sorry because I had a dream before you got really sick in the beginning of the year and it was like I was watching your life flash through my dream, from young to old and I woke up out of breath and scared. I wish I would have hung out with you more after that, but I didn’t. I just thought it was a stupid dream. I’m also sorry you couldn’t see nan, when you were asking for her. We couldn’t bare to tell you she was in the hospital and unresponsive because you were so sick. So forgive us, but she did write you one last love note as she was coming to meet up with you. You were the best most loving grandfather this world has ever seen. When I was pregnant with G. over 7 years ago and you were about to have heart surgery and you didn’t know if you should do it and you said you wanted to go ahead and take the risk so you could see me and JT and G, I almost told you about G and being pregnant, but I didn’t. I was scared and I was nervous in case something would happen it was early, but I said a prayer, I asked God to keep you around so he could meet you and have memories and it was a prayer answered. And I am forever touched that you prayed for me and A when I was so sick and having her early, and that you came to see us. My own parents didn’t come that far, but you came to see us and when I came home you went back with me to see her again while she was still in the NICU.Thank you. Please take care of Nan.I miss you guys, so so much. 

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