there’s a hole to dig


I’m sitting here surfing the web(do people still say that or is there some really cool hip word I don’t know). I’m trying to figure out how close I am to middle age, my kids are fighting over the Wii, I am looking at books on Amazon about over-coming perfection and I was struck by the thought that, I hate perfection. I hate the fact that my parents were alcoholics who fought non-stop the first 8 or 9 years I lived with them and then just gave me to my grandparents, because they couldn’t handle themselves let alone a kid. I hate that each day, I fought to look, dress and respond in a perfect manner. I never upset my teachers, I got good grades, I kept my room perfect, I had the best clothes, I was skinny( that was natural for a good part of my life,I miss those days), I never let people be mad at me, I was a people please-r. If friends were fighting I tried to smooth it over, if someone said something wrong, or called me the wrong name,or over-charged me for something, I let it go. I didn’t lash out at my parents or grandparents. I sat in my room and read books and played. I created amazing lives for my dollhouse dolls and barbies. People stayed together and never fought and their houses were awesome. I just wanted to be normal. The five kids in the whole school with divorced parents still lived with one parent, not me. I lived with my grandparents on the outside of town, in a poor neighborhood. I still tried to be nice, to have friends, to help teachers and this went on and on for years. In high school, I did rebel a bit, I argued with my grandmother and we’d go at each other,sometimes it got physical, sometimes I’d run away to a friends house, but I came back and simmered down. Like her attitude or not, she was the only person to consistently take care of me and treat me with love my whole life. She was my whole life and I clung to her. When she passed away a good portion of my world went with her. She was still my direction and anchor in life some 30 years later.

For a short time in high school I got counseling for my angst. But never for my perfection. To this day, I want people to think I’m just like them. I freak out if I haven’t heard from a friend, I assume they’ve decided to hate me. I’ve had my closest friends for over 10 years each, some 20 and I keep them close and treat them like family. I think everyday will be the day my husbands surprises me by telling me he hates me and wants a divorce. I don’t fight with my friends or husband and if we do fight, I am bugging out. I want my kids to excel in school and dress nice. I want them to do well in sports and become doctors. I want them to be in a place in society where people can not judge them or put them down. I want them to be comfortable with themselves and proud. I hate that even though I have an amazing husband, great kids, a nice home, nice clothes I am still afraid people will say oh aren’t you the person who grew up with poor grandparents and drunk parents who were known in all the bars? When your parents aren’t acting like adults and making you the center of their world, you fight, you fight to be perfect, you fight to fit in, you fight like there is nothing else to fight for. You just want to blend in and look okay so no one will wonder what your family life is like and that is something you never outgrow.Well I want to outgrow that. I think it’s high time, I realize that I am me and not my parents. I don’t need to prove anything to anybody. I want to be happy to be relaxed, to be myself. I don’t want to be the over-achieving perfectionist daughter of alcoholics, passing those traits on to my kids. And this is why I need to change and relax and be me.

And I end with these2 thoughts from Brene Brown :Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.  and Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect.

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