What day 1

when did I become huge? Seriously, I wish I could see myself as I look to others. I am giant and gross and not happy. I am exhausted, lazy and tired of being like this. I want to change. I want to eat healthy and think about what I am eating. I want to wake up ready to take on the world, not wake up get the kids ready for school and then just sleep forever, because that’s easier than being awake.  I want to feel like I am fun and having fun and getting something out of life. What is missing? Why am I so disenchanted with my life? I have great kids, a nice husband, a home, my own car, clothes, stuff for my house, vacations, church activities, I get to read a lot, I don’t have to work too much each week, most time I spend with my kids, good friends, internet. I know life is not better on the greener side of the fence,we all have our issues, I just feel so not like myself. I want to be active and glad to see the day, I want to be a healthy weight.

Things I decided in the past few weeks to change that have helped:

-get less blog feeds from impossible moms/amazing homes

-stop charting my every daily moment. I need to rely on my mind to remember things and leave some of life up to chance.

-read more that makes me happy

-take items off my to do list, my daily to do list and monthly to do list are insane, but at the advice of all these mom bloggers that have their sh*t together, they say write it all down, make plans. I am a planner, but all that planning was smothering me

-clean stuff out, toys, books, house stuff, clothes- more space =more room to breathe

-less DVR’ed shows, the less tv I have to watch the better

Things I am doing today after buying a scale yesterday and realizing I was about to eat a choc covered banana for lunch:

-decrease blogs subscribed to even more, I mean they take up my day

-read some magazines

-think about my food choices, really think

-start to blog my journey, because the way I am going is not working.

I’m starting to see a pattern where I feel smothered, I feel like life is not my own. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and family and actually miss them when I go to work, but I just wish at some point during the day (not 1am or 2am, so that I am so tired the next day) I could hear me think. I want to have quiet. I miss quiet. I miss being able to think and not lose my train of thought. I grew up basically an only child, so I was so used to quiet and with two kids there’s not much of that.

I get so frustrated when I am thinking of something and it just slips my mind. I feel like I have 1 million and 1 things to do/remember and then somebody will draw my attention and it’s gone, then I sit around stewing about what I forgot. It’s a vicious cycle. I wish I could be one of those people who can get caught up in tv and just zone. I can do that with books, but that’s in the middle of the night when someone isn’t calling mama or asking me to do something or find something or clean something.

I sometimes wish I could be carefree and happy like one of my best friends or my husband. They have important things they have to do and remember but after that, it’s just life and they are enjoying it.

So here’s to a new beginning….


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