Pre-e and what I felt

I had pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. My baby was born 6 weeks early and spent time in the NICU. You are a crazy field of emotions in any pregnancy and birth, compound that with being sick and in my case I was just sad and disappointed. At the time of birth and the time in the NICU, I had so much to be scared of and to worry about. Day to day issues, you never expect. Feeding tubes and swallowing, breathing CPAP’s, high blood pressure. I left home one day to have a nice family day, maybe 92% ready for a baby(clothes,room,supplies) and I didn’t come home for almost 2 weeks. Life in unpredictable. What bothered me months later, was the grief and feeling of not completing my pregnancy. It sounds silly, I was alive, my baby was alive. We were home and getting a system and knowing each other, but one day I just realized as much as I hated being pregnant(I was never a good pregnant person, I was threw up for the first 4 months round the clock with both babies). I was never one of those moms who would say I love being pregnant, I was just excited for the end result. Anyway, I realized I was missing those last 6 weeks. In those six weeks my baby would have been moving like crazy, I wondered how much she would have weighed full term, I was hoping for a surprise birth, since it was my second(I was induced with the first), I was excited at not knowing what the exact birth day would be. I wanted to pack my bag, and say goodbye to my son and was so excited for him to come and meet his little sister. I wanted to be in my local hospital with my doctor. I wanted to be able to sleep sitting up towards the end because there was no other way to get comfy, I wanted to go to my favorite Indian buffet as planned if I was overdue and eat tons of spicy food. I wanted people to say wow you are huge, when are you do. I wanted to be able to come home and relax and think about how our little family was about to grow. I wanted to let my dog and cats smell her blanket and get used to her scent before we came home. I wanted my husband to have to call people in the middle of the night and say oh we are on our way. None of that happened. I didn’t get to pick a picture outfit for the nursery(we didn’t even get a picture), I didn’t get to bring her home in the outfit I had picked, instead my husband was out looking for preemie clothes, which truly we never knew existed. All the babies in the NICU had these little outfits and our baby was dressed like some kind of riff raff, wearing cast offs when she was able. They never said oh bring some clothes and then finally a nurse told us we could, and I couldn’t even go out and pick her outfit, my husband had to. We were very lucky and blessed, but you still miss what would have been your last trimester, when you are delivered early because of pre-eclampsia. 


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