Another day

My child has asked me several times over the past weeks if I look happy. I don’t know what she means by that, but it makes me feel bad. Do I never look happy (I do make odd faces) or am I just super miserable all the time. How does one react to that? It makes me feel bad and it makes me wonder if I am projecting my feelings of blah onto my kids.

I was feeling so upbeat last week, when I stopped taking Zoloft, I had energy, I could clean and walk and play with the kids. I was not irritable. But then I got the headaches so I went back on a half a pill until I can wean myself off because I can not stand the vertigo. But I love the Wellbutrin, I feel like I have myself, I feel like part of life and like I am interacting with others. I feel alive and part of the conversation and the world. It sounds silly, but even in the short few days off Zoloft it was like a fog had lifted, not a sadness fog, just and energy less, emotion less fog.

But then I got to thinking, have I lost the last 3 years? Since being on Zoloft, have I zoned out, my daughters first years, my son growing up, family vacations, trips overseas, seasons, yummy dinners, laughs with friends, conversations, my time with my husband, is it why I felt so disassociated when both of my grandparents died within a week and half of each other, what about movies and car rides, shopping, late nights in the backyard relaxing, family picnics. Was I unemotional and detached when my daughter was a baby because I was scared because she was a preemie or because I was in this fog. Will my kids remember me as sleepy, like I remember my dad, who was depressed for most of my formative years.

I’ve been on and off numerous anti-depressants for years and I remember one time telling my husband I was sad in my heart but my eyes just can’t make tears. That’s weird. I don’t want to be weepy, but I also don’t want to be a robot.  I need meds for anxiety and depression, but I don’t want to be in a fog. I am hoping the Wellbutrin will help me feel more alive. But in the back of my mind, I just wonder how much I gave up and lost due to my need to be medicated? Time I can never get back, I guess all I can do now, is make the best of the time I do have and enjoy the moments and experiences and not take my feelings and emotions for granted.


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