Here and Now


So it’s been a few weeks on the Wellbutrin. And it’s been 5 days since I am off Zoloft. I did the one week of 1/2 a pill and then last week 1/2 a pill every other day, to help with the vertigo and boy do I still have it. Not quite as intense, but it’s there. But no more brain zaps. I have also noticed I am extremely itchy. I am also very easily annoyed, meaning my patience is at 0.  Today I was so mad because someone spilled something on a new trunk I bought and it removed the paint, my youngest said she did it and I just lost it and yelled at her. I felt bad when I later learned it was the dog, who wanted to go out and my son never let him out in time. I felt horrible.  But I also keep feeling no patience with my husband and my dog, I just keep snapping at them.

Two weeks ago, I noticed I had serious PMS and discomfort, something I did not have with Zoloft. I also noticed, I was making lists and checking over stuff more frequently, which I had stopped doing on the Zoloft. So I had to distract myself more, to step away from that. Now I am still at the point where I am happy with this, much happier than being continually sleepy, much happier that I have emotions and feelings and when I get sad I can cry. I feel like there is a new me. A me who can do things on the fly and not plan it all, a me who can state an opinion, a me who is awake, a me who can have a conversation with her husband, a me who can talk and play with her kids, a me who can glide from one thing to the next without getting all overcontrolling of it. I like this. I feel like I have a personality, like I am funny again, like I can laugh and enjoy stuff. Which then makes me start to think, was it a good idea to be medicated on Zoloft 3 years ago, when I had PTSD, a child in the NICU and was really sick and sad. I think at the time it worked and it was working for me. Then I think I also knew and felt when it was time about a month ago to make a change, I was becoming catatonic, in a way. I was just a body, no emotions, no feelings, no energy. I hope I made the right choice, but I can’t help feeling like I lost three years. I had so many experiences and trips and memories and time and fun and I feel like I was there, but not enjoying it, not experiencing it. Not remembering it all, I mean will my kids think wow mom really sucks and is so not into our lives and just sits there, or did they not mind? I used to hate when all my dad did was sleep all day when I wanted to play or hang out with him. Will my kids feel that hurt, because I still remember it and still do. I know I can’t  go back in time and I do think things happen because they are supposed to. But it makes me think, what did my friends, family, and kids think of me for the past few years? Was I just a bump on a log? Am I reading into it? Am I thinking more of it than there is? It’s just weird, because I really feel like a veil has been removed and I have been woken up. I feel like I wasn’t myself for all that time and then all of a sudden the cover was pulled off and I am me again.  I guess I shouldn’t be concentrating on the past, things I can’t change, choices I made that were right at the time, and should be happy with the now and just go forward from here and pray for more patience!

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