it’s about the little house

When I was four my aunt bought me a dollhouse for Christmas. A real amazing wooden dollhouse. And I took excellent care of it, being so little, since I have a four year old and I know how they can be. I kept my dollhouse at my grandmothers since I was there always, and my parents were messy and kind of hoarders in a way and my grandmother wouldn’t let me take it home. I loved that dollhouse (still do). Once a week my dad, aunt or grandfather would take me to the dollhouse store in town, yes my town had an amazing store. I became close to the lady who owned it and I think she knew my family situation was kind of rough. My aunt and grandmother would take me to dollhouse shows. I would make things for the dollhouse. I would decorate and re-decorate. And when I didn’t have the kind of furniture I wanted, I would cut out rooms and pieces of furniture from the Sears catalog and use that.  When my daughter was born, I could not wait to get into miniatures with her. I am still excited because she is young yet. Today I saw the bargain of a lifetime, a fully furnished beautiful huge Victorian dollhouse. I wanted to buy it because it was a steal at a second hand shop and asked my husband to check it out because I was on my way to work. Long story short,he just didn’t feel like doing so and we missed out. Looking on ebay later there was similiar houses for 900-1500 dollars each, this one was less than 200 dollars.

So I was bummed. Really bummed. I cried to myself on my way home from work and at work. My family truly can not do anything for me. It was one simple request and he just couldn’t do it. My kids can’t pick up their stuff and basically I feel like the live in help sometimes. And my grandmother used to say that all the time when I was growing up and I always thought it was so silly, until now when I can see where she was coming from. So of course I was wallowing in self pity and I started to think, money is tight, it always is, fine I can deal with that, we have food,clothes and a roof so I try to be thankful. But then I started thinking about things I want to do- travel some places, go back again to grad school, move to another house, and I realized I don’t like flying so I probably will never go to Ireland, England or Germany or Jamaica. I’ve had opportunities to go abroad and never have because of my fear.  I see all those gorgeous new homes and how nice they are inside, but then I think we will never have that kind of money, we like some of the details of an old house and our kids and pets are just messy, it would be a wasteful disaster to have a nice new home. I really want to go to grad school and finish so I can have a career when my kids are in school again, but that won’t happen, we won’t have money, or my husband won’t have the time to spare for me to take on that commitment, so I will probably be doing my job which I am well over-qualified for, forever and being miserable, feeling useless and questioning why I left the career track ever in the first place. I truly feel like I will be a person with regrets, but I also feel like why even dream. Dreams require money just as much as they require faith and hope and we won’t ever be in the position to have that flexibility. So how do you find strength and inspiration in that? How do you finally realize this is your life, no matter how much you imagine yourself in a awesome new home when you drive past, it won’t happen. No matter how much you need want new sofas, that won’t happen unless your stepmother gets new ones or your best friend and wants to load the old ones off for free. How can you realize that you won’t ever travel further than you’ve been, you won’t be able to experience a foreign land with your kids, or explore the USA and stop at every cheeseball museum and roadside stand. How can I give in and realize yes my calling is in counseling to children and yes I want to help people and become a certified counselor, but school takes money and that’s never going to happen. Why are we encouraged to dream and be inspired and think anything you want bad enough can happen? It can’t. I mean other than winning the powerball there is nothing. Why did I think maybe someday my kids will do what I never did, but wished I could class trips, private school, college and living there and not working full time. Why? Why do I send them to lessons and sports and things to inspire them and help them grow and develop, so someday I can say hey college costs money, we have none and I would advise you don’t take on student loan debt because it will never be paid back. I am just so pissed right now, because I have always tried back of my mind to think maybe, maybe someday that could be ours, things could be different and then today I realize no, that will never happen. I will never explore anywhere I can’t drive to, I will never be able to be a counselor and we will never have a house in a better neighborhood. I don’t get it, it all started with dreams, things I thought could happen and then one crazy fight over a dollhouse made me realize how stupid my dreams ever were. My parents were losers, who did nothing and went nowhere and even with all my studying, college and hard work, that too will be my calling in life and my husband is determined to always  remind me of that. So much for dreams.


About this entry