becoming

You know when you are a teen and people say oh you are just like your mom and you hate it. You vow to never be like your mother because people only say that when you are being outrageous. In my case the saying was your just like your grandmother (she raised me) and I loved her much, but she was stubborn and had her moments. If she was mad at you, she was mad at you, it was bad. She wouldn’t talk to you, wouldn’t look at you. She was also a yeller and screamer. If she wanted to fight she’d get up in your face and scream until she went blue. It was her way or no way. She came from a violent dysfunctional family. She would also lock herself in her room, she would pout, she would be really really nice to whoever she wasn’t mad at and she would stop eating, as a way to spite others. Basically she needed to have all the control and all the attention all the time and you had to keep her house spotless.  She also loved to degrade you, she would think of the thing that would hurt you the most, true or untrue and say it, for me it was always your parents didn’t want you, that way I could be so grateful to her, but also despise my parents and give her all my love and attention and it worked. In a messed up weird way it worked. I do not have any relationship with my mother, other than a few words here and there when she comes over, we don’t call each other, I don’t go to her with problems and my father is kind of still in his own world and while I like him and enjoy his company, it’s not a close relationship.

I will never have a house as clean as hers, I have cats and a dog and kids and they are messy by nature. But I use her same stupid tactics when I am mad. I throw a fit and expect my husband to know why, I will yell and holler, I will not eat just so he begs me to eat and just so I can hold out longer and I will go in my room and sleep. I will also say mean things just to hurt people and I know it’s not nice. And in my mind I think oh I am just like her and I never ever wanted to be this way. Now mind you this might happen for me every two years when I am really upset, with her it was at least a few times a week.

Then I get angry, act stupid, scare my family and just basically I am a total a-hole. The world needs to stop and revolve around me and give into me. Then I feel so stupid and I realize you can’t take words back, you can’t take hurt feelings back, why do I resort to acting this way. Why can’t I just be a grown up? This weekend I got angry at my husband over something stupid, then got angry at my pre-schooler for cutting her hair while I was at work, then angry at all of the family because I get so tired of cleaning up after them. So tired of feeling like they have it all and I have nothing, nothing to look forward to, nothing to dream for. I get so angry and I yell and it does nothing but make me feel worse. How did I become this awful person when I am angry like my grandmother always was? Why am I this person? I don’t want my family to have memories of me yelling and being ridiculous, but when I am tired or I feel like I’ve been doing too much or I feel underappreciated it happens, and I hate it. I don’t want to become her.