preemie wish

I wish when I had my preemie and pre-eclampsia I had twitter, I wish I had known about, I wish someone in the hospital or somewhere would have mentioned it. I wish I could find a support group or a blog or some people on Facebook. But there was nothing, even after spending hours online I never really found the answers or the comfort I was looking for. Maybe I never will find the answers or reasons, I think it’s probably something I won’t ever feel totally comfortable with. At the time when you have a baby early and your baby is in the NICU, like all other trauma you try to play it back, day by day, minute by minute to try to figure out where you went wrong, what happened, what could you have done different. When was that one second when it changed and it all was different than what you could have ever expected? With pre-eclampsia it will happen and there’s not much to do, but you can know the symptoms and be prepared. But you blame yourself, your baby is tiny and sick and it’s hard. So while I was home and she was in the NICU I did what any worried and scared mom would do in our age, I scoured the internet and there was nothing. Nothing to make me feel better. Nothing to make me know what to expect, nothing. So I decided (when I finally got myself together a year later) that I wanted to blog about it. I wanted to share how I felt, how sad I was, how lonely, how angry, how I didn’t feel like going to church, how I was jealous of people with healthy baby’s, how my husband and I were so tense we fought a lot, how much I struggled when I brought my preemie home, how depressing it is to spend any time in a NICU, to let other moms know, it is all normal, it is all ok, it will get better and if it doesn’t in the mean time, talk to someone, get counseling, ask your doctor for meds, you don’t need to be depressed because you need to be strong for your baby. In four short years, there are more resources out there but there is not enough. You have to realize you might be the only person you will know who goes through this, your friends won’t get it, your husband will half understand, but not about your illness and feelings, your parents and family won’t get it. It is you and you will be strong for you and for your baby, who is a blessing. Preemie moms are preemie moms for a reason, special,strong mamas make great preemie  mamas, and if you are like me you won’t be strong or feel like you know where you are going and how this will go when it happens, but trust me with time, you will be strong, you will surprise yourself and your baby will have one amazing mama for it.


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