peas and carrots

When my preemie was born, we didn’t meet each other for 2 days. I heard her and then she was gone. I caught a glimpse and saw the pics my husband got from the NICU. I didn’t touch her until day 4 and that was very strict, no strokes, just touch the skin, preemies super sensitive. I think I held her, wires and all a few days later.   I was not a birth fan kind of a mom. I had friends who “helped” their babies out at the end, or watched on a mirror, or had sisters or moms in the room, I was not a breast feeder to the breast, I was a pumper. I was quite happy with my first child that the nice nurse cleaned him all up, wrapped him in a blanket and then handed him to me, I did not need to be with nature that much, and of course I’m not saying that’s not right, it was just not right for me. But after the 1st, who I held and then he slept in the nursery of the hospital, I read about kangaroo care, and snuggling up with your baby. I knew it was good for little tiny babies born too soon and that it fostered bonding, but I think I just read it, to read it. I was really out of it when my 2nd was born. I had severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP, my pressure was skyrocketing, there were tons of people in the room- doctors, nurses, NICU people, my husband. After I was back in my room, without my baby, I kept asking if I could kangaroo her, or if I couldn’t could my husband, because I wanted her to know us, to feel us, to hear us, but we were told it was not possible. She couldn’t be held. That hit me hard. I wanted to snuggle my baby and smell my baby and rock her. For several years her and I were at opposite ends. When she came home from the NICU she was on their schedule (and while it was nice) she never seemed to connect to me, I felt like yet another caregiver in her young life. My husband bonded to her instantly, but I never felt close. I loved her and took care of her, but I just didn’t feel like we were close. I was always super close to my son, from the moment he was born and he was so chatty with me and he loved to hang out or have me read to him. Her and I would be together but not in a super bonding way.That all changed in the past few months. It’s taken four years but we are as thick as thieves. She follows me around, she helps me with the housework, she does her hair when I do mine, she wants to dress alike, she gives hugs and talks and laughs and is so enjoyable to be with. She is super happy when I come home and says she missed me and I really really miss her. I am enjoying it now, because I know when she’s a teen she probably won’t be able to stand me, but I really never thought we could be close and I was certain it was because of our separation when she was born. But  here we are 4 years later, just like peas and carrots.


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