I am uptight.  I guess I know that, but my husband tells me all the time I am always so wound up. I’ve been dealing with some stressful stuff in the past few weeks and I’ve been grinding my teeth.  I have a mouth guard, I just haven’t had to use it in so long. It’s funny because even though I am sleeping I know I am grinding because I wake up and feel my jaw moving, even while half asleep. I’ve ground some of my teeth down to where they’ve had to be bonded to be rebuilt. My dad is a teeth grinder. Holy cow, he can be in bed sleeping and you will hear him from all over the house, he always has been, since I was little and it’s such a weird noise. So maybe it’s hereditary or maybe we are all just wound up.

I notice even as I lay down to sleep,which should be a welcome relief after a busy day, I curl up in a tight ball and tightly hold on to the blanket and also the top of the bed. When I stopped to think about this, it hit me, that’s really way too stressed out. I mean what do I have to look forward too- stress, stress headaches, messed up teeth, heart issues, things I’d rather not have.

I just don’t have a relax switch and for the most part my life is not high-stress. I don’t have lots to do, my husband is helpful, my job isn’t stressing, yeah sometimes money is an issue, but it’s not crazy stress me out kind of issue. I am just a type a perfectionist and I don’t know how to zone out and relax.

Years ago before kids, I would treat myself to a massage or facial every now and again, and only once did I get relaxed enough that I felt asleep, I’m even on edge when getting a massage.So what do I do? I try to wind down, I read my Bible and devotions before bed, I don’t have my phone with me at night when I sleep, I don’t watch tv in bed, I might read, I pray and I am still clenched.

It’s almost embarrassing now. I want to change but how? I mean it’s ingrained in me. I want to be able to kick back and relax sometimes, to not be on my to do list 24/7.  I started to realize that my life is not actions and events, my life is my to do list and checking off each task, not necessarily being there to enjoy or experience it, just being there to check it off and that’s not living.

I want to change for myself and for my family. I don’t want people to see me and from my body language think, wow, what’s her major issue. My issue is a need to feel like I need to stay on top of things and do the things I need to do in a perfect manner. I am so afraid of messing up or forgetting something and I know most of it doesn’t matter. I am so tired of this and being this stressed out.

For now I am going to make a conscious effort to really think about it, to really try to relax and maybe it will become habit. I certainly hope so, because I know it’s not healthy to be like this.

How do you chill out? Any other type A’s out there?


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