I turned over the finances to my husband maybe a year and a half ago. He majored in finance, I minored. He is an expert on spreadsheets and computer programming, me not so much so. But I still track my spending for donations and also for my home business. And I noticed that since I am being careful about money, not buying more than I need or can use and trying to save as much as we can, I have made a huge difference in my spending. I think about my purchases not as much as I should or could and I still impulse buy at the grocery store, but I am getting so much better and I can see that, it’s right there in my tracking data.
And while getting things off my chest,I am so tired of the clothes choices for my youngest. All the jeans/pants are too skinny and too tight. I mean she’s not even in school yet.The clothes that are marketed to young girls are awful, truly awful, it’s setting girls up to look older and trashier and grow up too fast, to think skinny is the only way and to accessorize like you would not believe and I am so tired of it. I was just flipping through a catalog and saw a whole layout of kids in fake fur- coats, hats, leg warmers-WHAT??? Who buys that? I guess everyone but me.

Lately I have been missing my grandmother so much, last week I had tears in my eyes. I saw a sunset and I got so angry that she never said goodbye, of course she never had time as I’m sure happens so so much, but it hurts and it hurts so bad, and I don’t think it will ever go away. I want so much to talk to her, to say goodbye proper,I wonder if she sees me and my kids. I just never knew pain and loss could be like this.It’s not all the time something will just trigger it. I just saw a locket and one of the best things I have from her is a gold locket that I put a picture of both of my grandparents in, I cherish that. It feels like I have them close to my heart.
My last thing to get off my chest is how much I wish I could be like my husband. He lets nothing bother him. People don’t bother him, actions don’t bother him. He is content with who he is and he is very self assured. I want to be confident like that, I want to let things not bother me. I don’t know when I became so meek. My one friend told me I was the strongest most self confident person she ever knew in high school, that’s why she was drawn to me. I just don’t know. I feel so much now like people judge me or put labels on me. I try to be meek and go with the flow, but I also want my kids to know they should stand up for themselves and what they believe in. I think I am so worried about what people think and whether people will like me, I want to go back to being me and if people like that fine, if not who cares, there’s bound to be people who will like me somewhere and at least I will know myself and be confident with myself. I need to do what I love and just be.


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