What I know-cramming


I know that I try to do it all and not forget a thing, at the expense of my family and friends and myself. I am not a relaxer. When I was in the hospital with my second child, having severe pre-eclampsia the doctor told me to lay on my side and just relax. The husband brought my ipod, the lights were dimmed and it was late and I could not settle down, the doctor finally gave me percocet, I think. And that helped me to fall asleep. I mean in that case, my blood pressure was so high, it could have had devastating effects and I would not relax. Today I am resting because I sprained a coretal muscle and the pain is like nothing I have ever felt. But as soon as my husband left for work I had a list of things I wanted to do, cleaning and organizing. I can never just let stuff happen and let it be. I am Christmas shopping and making lists all year long. I have hundreds of books on my Amazon list for me and my kids, I have about 100 books on my library list. I have hundreds of DVDs on my netflix list. I have lists of places to go, things to pack when we move (which we have no current plans on doing so),blog lists of ideas to write about. All sorts of things, if you can be a list hoarder here I am. And I have this urgency to check things off, to get things done. I don’t think about what I am doing or even enjoy it, I just like the urgency of completing a task. I don’t know if it’s because most days, I don’t have real pressing things to do, other than to take care of my kids and the house. I don’t know if I do it because I used to have a job and having projects to work on and steps to follow was important and meant something to me, showed me how far I had come. Do I fill my day with tasks that need to be done, but without any urgency because I miss having to be accountable for what I did all day. Do I do it to give me a sense of order and control? I have no idea. I also know I bite off way more than I can chew. I see great ideas on blogs or read something in a magazine and decide I want my family to do that also. So I have notes and crafts and print offs and projects galore. I have so much stuff like that it will never all get done. I think it’s because we live in a world of information overload and I just want to experience it all. Sometimes, though I think I need to weed out the so so items and really focus on the must do items, the ones to bring memories and make us all laugh and smile. Now if only I had the answer of how to do so.

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