Too soon old and too late schmart

2012, is done, over and the very last night of the year just may have been my favorite. I celebrate at my oldest friends house and she has tons of fun people and I let loose, laugh and just let go. It’s the most relaxed I am in the 365 days we are each given.

2012 flew by, I know I did not spend each moment enjoying my kids or my life. I know I spent way too much time planning and controlling stuff that is just silly, but is what I do to make myself feel like I am not messing up or so I won’t forget things.

I stayed up way too late and became cranky. I ate junk food.I vowed to exercise and didn’t bother.

I snapped and yelled and was insecure about thinking how people felt about me.

I did not spend as much time reading or doing Bible study, I did not give myself time to relax.

I worry and worry some more, not about big things or astroids or my kids or money, I worry about forgetting to do something and seeming stupid.

This is nothing new because year after year my life is like that. I just create stress for myself. And each year I want to change, not even each year each day and it doesn’t happen.

That’s how I did not change. But in the past few weeks I have been making some little changes, I started taking time for myself. I do my hair more and makeup. I’ve been thinking about my future and what my next career could be. I wrote an ebook on preemies. I’ve been cleaning up my house, and getting rid of some knick-knack kind of things, all it gets is dust and clutter and it is not all my style any more. I am trying to find what makes me happy. I am thinking about how much I miss living on an island and the warmth and beauty and wondering if that will ever happen again. I am slowly being able to give away things that were my grandmothers, that I will never use-material,pins. I have my memories and her love, hanging on to every little thing she ever had will not help me.

I’m trying to grow. I am trying to come into the fact that I am almost forty and I am an adult. I looked at my husband the other day and I really do see him just like when I met him, when we were both teenagers. I wonder do you ever feel your age? But I do realize time goes by and there are so many things I want for me and my family, my kids and my future. So I want 2013 to be different.

Too soon old and too late schmart, this was in my grandmothers kitchen and I never understood it. I always thought it was another stupid Dutch saying that made no sense, but that’s the beauty of growing older. I understand it now and I don’t want to be getting older and older and not learning about me and who I want to be. Life is quick, it is so quick. I close my eyes and it feels like 10 years ago, just happened. My oldest will be eight and I just can’t grasp that. It’s unbelievable.

2012 was a financial mess for me too, I spend way too much money, because it’s never a big amount and I always think oh no big deal but it adds up. We’ve had high credit cards and paid down then high again. We have too much stuff-toys, stuff, food, you name it. So I am making 2013 my year when I change, when I focus and make smart decisions about spending. I am going to cook more at home and just try to be all round frugal. I am hoping I will do better, because I’d rather have money to travel and enjoy life than to spend on stupid stuff.

From what 2012 gave me, I am going to try so much harder to live like I want, to be free from stupid worry and constant over-thinking things.I need to not jump to conclusions.

2013 I want to make memories and take moments, I want to really enjoy my life. I want to learn and not be so wrapped up in my silly worries. I want to focus all that energy into something creative-writing, making crafts, laughing with my kids,reading- all the things that make me happy. My comfort zone is something I need to scale, if I don’t run full on and jump over it, I will never know what it is like on the other side.


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