breezes and humid air

Today it is 28 degrees out and there is a bitter whipping little wind. Days like these my mind floats back to my island life, it was never Carribean hot in the winter, but 60’s and 70’s is fine for me. The air is humid in my dreams, there is a slighly musty smell on everything because it’s so darn hot and humid and that’s ok. These days I get my fill of that smell when in my laundry room, and while that might seem odd, it makes me feel like I am at home. It was a home I never expected to miss, but years of the same place does that too you.
We could move back and forth back then very easily, no kids only two cats no mortgage. Everything in a few boxes and suitcases and we were there or here or there.
I miss that life, but then I think what if I am making it more in my mind then it is. What if it’s my escape, my other place that is not the reality of being in winter, being a mom, having my mind in a million places, having to try to balance the budget. Anything that’s not reality, is always going to be more exciting, right? But there was such beauty and there was life, we were always doing something, always outside.
You can’t be grumpy by the beach and clear blue water, you can’t. But your life can get you down, you can get sick, you can have worries and needs and miss people. Paradise on Earth is still not Heaven.
Right now I’m in this crossroads, trying to decide my next steps in life, my kids are getting older, do I go back to school? Do I keep blogging, because even though it’s an outlet for me and I enjoy it, nobody reads it, what do I stand for, what do I really believe, what do I like and what do I want and how can I stop trying to do so much, to do it all and not miss a thing? Years ago when I was in full time work I had goals, five year and one year and work goals and had ideas of where I wanted to be. I don’t know that anymore. I just want to stop getting so wrapped up in nothing and just let go. I want to be back at the ocean and feel those warm humid days, but I don’t know how or when or if that should happen. Things happen when you let them go, and maybe that’s what I need to do, I need to let them go and let them fall into place.


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