Biggest Fear


You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.
This was the daily post challenge the other day and it really bothered me, I kept coming back to it to read it and think and think. At first I was thinking something like snakes,killer spiders, jellyfish,clowns or maybe plane crashes. All these things scare me tremendously, but they aren’t things I come across every day. I decided that my biggest fear would have to be something that I encounter and keep at bay at all costs. My fear that I would hate to see in a room staring me back is my fear of forgetting and not being perfect. Wow stop the presses, how completely ridiculous does that look to read. I know I am not perfect, far from it actually. But my daily fear that is in the front of my thoughts and in the back of my mind, is what am I forgetting to do, what didn’t I write down, what is going to creep up on me unannounced and make me look like a messy incompetent fool? And yes I know that makes me a control freak, because what I am trying to do is control the little things, control what I think I can because I am afraid to live, afraid to just let it be, because I am afraid I will miss something or I am afraid that if I don’t start the process nothing will happen, my desires and future plans won’t get there. So my fear would be to have someone sit in front of me and delete all my notes and all my files containing my to do’s for today and for this week, next year, my five year plan-all of that. Without my plans and my to do items, I would feel vulnerable and extremely stressed and I would not know what to do. On the flip side I sometimes think, vacation is so nice, because for the most part my to do is a blank page for days. I mean my items to do and to remember are not life shattering. They are just typical mom things- doctors appointments, birthdays, things to clean, slips to return, books to get,emails to send. Stuff like that, but that stuff gives me order and direction and a sense of accomplishment. When your main job in life is mom, it’s very hard to see your accomplishments each day, so my checklist helps to remind me that yes, I actually did do stuff today. I am slowly starting to back away from this fear, not dwelling on remembering things or beating myself up when I forget something. People forget things, things slip the mind, if they didn’t we wouldn’t have a term for it.
This could be more like true confessions of a type a, control freak, now couldn’t it.

Advertisements

About this entry