Change and Growth


I’ve been in such a rut for some time now. I’ve been just checking things off my to do list and just doing each day as a series of chores. I know it’s been happening but ruts are not easy to climb out of or to change. I kept planning and thinking and stalling. But things are happening.
One of the things I decided to do, was to stop yelling at the kids when I am frustrated. So many times they just trash their rooms or leave trails of food, drink and toys everywhere. They fight and pick on each other and things like that, which drive me mad. I was losing patience and losing it fast and then one day, I thought wow, I am so tired of apologizing for my outbursts when the kids get me mad, I just need to deal with everything they do with patience and all the other things and people who make me upset. So when I am about to get fired up about something, I take a breath and just talk to them- can you please just clean your room, can I help you clean your room, can you make sure you throw your snack wrappers away, please stop beating each other up- things like that in a calming tone. Now sometimes when that is not effective enough I will speak more sternly but it’s been going well for them and for me. I don’t want them to have memories of being yelled at for being messy like I do. I try to think would I speak to another adult like this- if no, then I need to change my delivery method.

I’ve also been toying with the idea of going back to finish my Masters and start another one. My youngest should be in full time school in the next two years and I would like to once again be a contributor to the family income in a decent way. We live nicely, but I would like the convenience to not have to worry so much about bills and money. But then fear sets in, am I too old, will I be able to do it, is it too far of a drive and all those other things. The other day in a search of one of the Universities I am considering I saw they had a virtual open house the next day with live people to chat with, well I signed up, I had a chat and I feel energized. If I want this to happen it will. I just want to do something that helps others and allows me to interact in a professional world with other adults. I love my kids, but I also love grown up time.
Another issue in my life has been my church. We’ve had some rough times this past year, with the church being split, not having a lot of money or new members, and just general bickering and meanness among the leaders. It has been personally hurtful to me and I’ve seen and heard people say and do things in order to save money that are not very Christ like. I don’t know what to do, but then I think about how much I enjoy my time spent in the youth ministries and how much I enjoy the people I serve with and how I feel at home, and it makes me sad. This is just something hanging very heavy on my heart.
Lastly, I’ve been having issues at work. There is a person at my work who can do no wrong, yet goes around pointing out other peoples wrong doings. I get stressed when I go there and just mean and negative. I love most of my co-workers and I love the people I meet and help, but sometimes the negative outweighs the positive and I don’t like the person I become or the attitude I put on when I get there. I really was hoping for a solution and low and behold I find out today, I am going to be made seasonal, so I won’t be there for a good period of time. I am going to do some freelance work. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders, but more than that, it was a prayer answered, a prayer I had just prayed today or yesterday, and I thought it was a long shot. That is faith in action, and I feel so blessed. Blessed and not scared because it does all just work out as it should, not always what you are expecting but it works out.

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