learning dollas

I went to public school. I was a weird kid who used to daydream about going to Catholic school or private school. It could have been the uniforms (but I did have cool clothes), I think some of it was I wanted to get away, away from my past and the people I was at school with and away from my family, I also wanted to really be challenged at school and get some connections that could take me places in this world. Well that never happened. I finished in public school ( I ended up completing my degree at a private college though). When I was in 10th grade I went through some crazy phase, when I didn’t want to be smart anymore. I wanted to just get by, I think it was some of my friends at the time and I was fighting more and more at home with my family. So I stopped taking academic classes, and just did what I had too. What a mistake, I eventually went back to academic the next year, but that one year was a bad choice. I was so bored in English I created my own curriculum and just worked ahead of the remainder of the class. Why did I choose friends and social status over academics? Why did my parents let me?

Almost 10 years ago, I left my career. I was in finance and I loved it. I was always getting new projects and moving ahead and loved to work and loved to be busy. I loved solving problems and project management. But I had a new love, my baby boy. After going back and forth to daycare every day for almost a year, one day I lost it. I went to pick him up and someone was rocking him, a lady was sitting there rocking my baby, and I lost it. My grandmother was watching him 2 days a week, but 3 days he was at daycare. It broke my heart and within a month I resigned and was now going to work PT and never use daycare again. I barely use babysitters, if they aren’t family. I didn’t know what to expect. I loved being with him and as he got older, we did more activities and then he was in pre-school. Then along came baby number 2 and the same thing all over.  I like being with the kids, reading to the kids, helping at their schools, going to playdates with friends. I don’t love being on call 24/7 and never getting to think or have quiet time. I am not that mom who makes cute lunch and crafts and gathers leaves and acorns and is just really crafty. I’m just a regular mom, who probably lets my kids watch too much Disney channel and eat too many Oreos, but so what. What happens though is there is a loss of income and there is a loss of self esteem. I no longer feel confident around other working adults, I don’t feel like what I do is all that great- I clean my home, volunteer and drive the kids around. And as I get ready for them to both be in school, I feel like I’m not going to have a career ever again. I would love to have one of those mainly work from home jobs, I am a hard worker, but that doesn’t happen for me. So now I’m sitting here wondering if my choices are okay. Will my kids have happy memories of being at home with me, of being the center of my world, because I have happy memories of being at home with my grandmother when I was younger, and I know I was never my parents center of life, but my grandparents did put me there. But the flipside is there is no money, I want my kids to go to private school, my oldest is so smart, but I won’t have that and that has been one of my dreams for my kids. Now I’m feeling down because it’s like a repeating cycle of my life and my chances. I know that’s not a serious issue in the whole grand scheme of life, but it still hurts for me to feel like I let my kids down. I could have been very successful and given them the world, but I wanted to give them me and memories and home in their early years. Life is not fair for moms anyway you look at it.


About this entry